Empty Days

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Rules of the game

I am really beginning to wonder how long I will be able to sustain this strange out-of-the-world condition I gradually put myself in - and not climb the wall out of sheer desperation. Try spending about a week standing on one leg and not blinking. Sometimes you see those mimes in the park - well, that pretty much illustrates the above-mentioned condition. It's self-inflicted and perhaps it's a form of art, but I never intended it this way.

***

I have a big communication problem with people - and this is not because I can't communicate - it's simply because I've drifted so far away from the regular human lifestyle that it's always something of a burden to take on another person's worldview and blow it to pieces - simply by talking to her.

Experience has shown that in a group of random characters I tend to drift towards the most visibly screwed-up of them all - not out of compassion, but actually because with such folks mutual understanding occurs almost instantly. I've never been an actual suicide or an actual drug-addict or whatever - and I don't have insider stories to share - but for some reason I happen to share their vision of the world, which would be hopelessness in this case.

In other words, I have a problem with people who are not hopeless. Which is to say - the vast majority of people. Hopelessness is a form of intelligence. It simply doesn't exist in those bereft of it.





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