Empty Days

Saturday, February 07, 2004



Despicable mood today. Trapped. How many times in my life have I been in this particular ditch? Too many to count.

Screenshots: sitting in a cafe in NYC, on a bench in Berlin, taking the train somewhere in Russia or Europe, walking down the steet of some New England town, everywhere and always, the same feeling - trapped.

How long must I endure this? The whole wide world nothing but one vast desert - omnia mea mecum porto.

There was a point when I finally let go of hope of ever breaking down the wall between me and humanity. It didn't happen suddenly - it took years, actually. Countless moments of despair, like drops of water, digging a hole.

Can I honestly tell myself that these are nothing but "passing moments"? That it's only a matter of toughing it out? When it's the only reality I've ever known - the most basic, the most impregnable reality. What is there to "endure" and what am I waiting for - what paltry miracle?

***

It seems to me that it's not waiting that keeps me, it's this fucking compassion. When I think of all the tortures my family had to endure in this life, I can't picture myself adding a bloody corpse in the bathtub to that picture - this would be murder, murder, murder.

Perhaps it is murder I long for.

***

Walked in deep snow yesterday. Knee-deep. It was wonderful. The beauty and the joy of life are not worth living for. Nothing is, in fact.

***

Compassion or fear, fear or compassion. I wish for my old folks to pass away soon - so I may have my freedom, the cold freedom to do as I please.

I have a kind heart. And I am exceedingly cruel. This is what pity is made of.

Perhaps I should throw it out the window.

***

Next thing to do: take all the books off the bookshelves and put them in boxes. Store the boxes in the kitchen. Wait a few months to see how it feels not to reach for books. If it feels right, throw out the bookshelves. Then take a taxi and ditch the boxes at some bookshop.

General guidelines: throw out everything down to kitchenware. Sort out the wardrobe and drop most of it at the Salvation Army. Terminate my lease.

Undecided details: give away computer, tv, cat - or leave it to my folks? Probably the latter.

***

This is about 5 minutes away from "truth and nothing but the truth". Still, it's not close enough yet.





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