Empty Days

Sunday, February 22, 2004



Forgiveness Sunday

That's how the last day before Great Lent is called in Russian Orthodoxy. This year it was today. Apparently it's different for Greeks who call it the Sunday of Orthodoxy (major doctrinal trip). And it seems that no such holiday exists in Catholicism and other Western brands of Christianity. Strange.

***

Either way it's a wasted day on me since I can't forgive. Not for real and it's no use trying. In fact, if there was something like "hate-them-all" day, it'd probably be the only holiday I'd care to observe. With profit and some relief, as holidays are suppose to procure.

***

But as we're talking forgiveness. It's an impossible idea but I think I would like it very much if my parents finally decided to repent for having brought me into this world. But this is never going to happen and so I will never be able to forgive them - since they don't want that kind of forgiveness. They'll keep confessing to non-existing faults they obsess about, and I'll keep telling them I understand and it's just fine by me.

Likewise, I know that the faults I obsess about are non-existent to them and they're just fine with it. And so they will never be able to forgive me, since by them there's nothing there to forgive.

And I will never be able to forgive myself because nobody cares for my repentance.

And that's why forgiveness is such a terminally impossible business.

***

On the other hand I should ask forgiveness of my cat - for having adopted him as a helpless kitten and having emprisoned him in my world from which he cannot escape without becoming an orphan again.





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