Empty Days

Friday, February 06, 2004

Web-design as source of pride - or not

How very intersting - somebody from Houses of Parliament, London, UK is checking out my web-page. On the other hand, I get people from NASA and mil.gov too, so why not the English parliament :-0

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And speaking of which, another thing I keep wondering about is why I am unable to feel any lasting pride or satisfaction from creating websites of public interest. I once corresponded with another web-site creator who actually took his activity very seriously and seemed able to derive some tangible sense of self-importance from it. I envy this guy - but I do not understand how this works for him. Because I do all the things he does but I don't get to feel the same way. So what secret of human psychology am I missing here?

Ok, there is something I value about web-design: it keeps me busy. And there are even short periods of time when I find it important enough to put some effort into it. But those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I don't know why I am even bothering.

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This actually reminds me of a certain pattern in my life, and this goes way beyond websites of course. Whenever I get myself to produce or organize something of my own design, I always end up hating whatever comes out of it and then I want to walk away and never think of it again.

One more dramatic occasion happened when I undertook the uncalled-for trouble of organizing a discussion group (in those long defunct listserv days) about a preferred author - and half-way into it, having coopted a number of enthusiasts to start the thing etc, I began hating the whole idea and eventually walked away and never looked back. That was one big lesson I learned for life - never to implicate other people in my projects. The pattern kept repeating itself of course, but ever since it only involved one casuality - that is, myself.

In fact, that experience with the discussion group kept me off undertaking any projects at all for a long time. I sort of imagined that it was no use since I would end up dropping the whole thing anyway. Latter on I realized that the key to circumvent this "hate" effect would be to do things that didn't require endless maintainance - so even if I dropped out at some point, it wouldn't matter because whatever has been done would remain, I just wouldn't have anything to do with it anymore.

Website-building, being a static thing, turned out to be the ideal solution. Maintaining a diary-style blog is also perfectly alright. In the sense that I can always walk away and not hurt anyone by doing so.

***

And just as I kept quitting personal projects, so I kept walking out of my various jobs. The bigger the company, the easier it was to quit - which is somewhat paradoxical, because a bigger company also means a bigger paycheck.

One of my biggest problems in terms of integrating the society I happen to live in is my lukewarm attitude towards money. It doesn't excite me and it doesn't incite me. I don't see it as a virtue because it actually wrecks havoc in my relationship with the world at large. In fact, it undermines this relationship almost completely. When I went for job interviews I had to make sure I would thoroughly hide this greatest failure of mine - that I am incapable to work for money. They all say that they too think that an employee should not work on the basis of a paycheck only - but this is double-talk, in fact they would look at you like you're a total weirdo if you told them you're not motivated by cash. Because the next step would be to actually tell them that you're not motivated by the job either - because this job is only there so the company may keep making money - and you can't understand the idea.

Does this mean that I perhaps hate the so-called capitalist society? I guess the answer would be - yes. I dislike it intensely even though I don't know of an other, different world, where money doesn't exist or has no value of its own. I suppose small communal structures somewhere in the depths of Africa are not money-dependant, but it goes without saying that you can't just barge in and make it your home. It doesn't really work that way.

With all that I am hardly a budding revolutionary, because the truth is - I couldn't give a fuck at this point. Such is the world and I don't deal well with it, but that's my personal problem. Most people I know actually like it the way it is. Let them enjoy their shopping sprees.





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