Empty Days

Tuesday, March 23, 2004



Life as nuts, in a nutshell ::

There is this unsolvable problem I am butting against - it's not even a problem, it's a fact of life. How to live and why. I absolutely cannot answer the latter; the former is somewhat less intractable but is interwined with the "why" and thus acts as a trip-wire. Hilariously, the basics are obvious - I am alive. What's more, my presence in the world has some damnable consequences. I've been stupid, bad shit has developed. Today I dreamt some seedy dream about that crazy lying junkie witch who killed herself. One mighty dark dream. The fact that somebody who is absolutely and entirely dead still lives in your memory as if nothing has happened - what do you do with that, I'd like to ask. It seems to me that I can't grasp the facts of reality - *that dead people are dead*. Period. End. Finish. Not there. An empty space. Gone. Dissolved.

Could it be that it might not be that simple? Ah.

In fact, it looks very much as if reality were not composed of hard facts that have a clear beginning and a definitive end - but rather of these memories that my mind refuses to write off as non-relevant. I'd like to believe that my oldest childhood episodes are past history, without any impact on the present wildly diverging circumstances. Wrong again! Nothing is gone - everything stays put and builds its own micro-universe of wildly inconclusive complexities. Good God - where is the present, the fucking gift of the present??

Most glaringly, the present has no say in the past. On the scales of this insane inner reality the past out-weighs the present by a margin of a billion to one. In fact, I have no idea what to do with such a flimsy nearly non-existent present. It's unnecessary. I am alive. Where's the sense in any of this?

So we've dealt with the question of "why" - it's unanswerable and there's the end of it. Ok. Fine. It's senseless and unnecessary. What's next? How to. Yes, indeed. How to. (and why - haha). How do we deal with an unnecessary present that actually constitutes the so-called gift of life? The basics, right - "I am alive". What do we do? Do we follow our primal instincts in search of food (best food) and sex (best mate)? What else do we do if, for some terrifically human reason, food sounds kinda lame (peanut butter and gelly is kinda ok) and sex is kinda too much trouble to bother with (all the social-life efforts that go into it, I mean this is just too crazy - and kinda lame too as a prime-necessity). Chew-chew, bang-bang.

What else is there?

Human interaction, frienships, fights, battles for justice, society, big, small, identity, all that crap. The juice of life. Sour lemon - that's juice too. Power. Wherever this bitch comes from. I can't just plug-in into some pre-packaged universe and go with it - for some stupid reason I can't. It doesn't work - everything blows up to high-heaven and I find no plug I can plug into. Should I draw a door on the brick-wall and maybe actually try to walk right through? Wow. What a land of Oz this is after all. "Follow the yellow brick road..." La-la, la-la.

Yes, people have buttons. You can play those buttons or take a fall and you'll accidentally push some of those - and you'll dance the dance of the button-activated. Yes, indeed, it's all true. Wherever your buttons will take you - or do they call that heart?

Think about it - why do some people kill themselves? They're not all the same, they're actually quite different and for a long time, for most of their life in fact, they had no fucking clue it was going to end that way. No, they did not. They had any number of hopes and they tried to plug-in into some of those big electrical clusters out there. And every time they busted their safety-caps or what not. There is no scientific/biblical/reasonable (LOL, please) explanation to this - it's the fucking mystery of the fucking gift of life. It's the "I am alive" fact getting thin at some point. How do you live up to your "I am alive" fact? Well, news - sometimes you don't. The end.

I must confess, I absolutely must - I love that mystery. I love the fact that everything can happen. The worst is possible. The very ugliest, most desperate, most unthinkable, craziest, repulsive, mind-boggling worst is an open possibility. Bow to it and take off your fool's cap for once. Yes - a brick may fall from the blue innocent sky and bash your skull in. That's the innocence of facts - they just *happen*. There's no why. Hurray! Hail to the no-why! No reason. All is possible - thinkable or not. It just doesn't matter. Can you believe that? It's too freaking insane - I love that.

I bow to the great mystery of fates. No plugs attached.

So, yes, I might have to draw that door on the wall - and walk through it. And hey - why not. Follow the yellow brick road. In the valley of shadows or whatever canyon or river-bed. It's all in the commercials anyway. Let's laugh. It's laughable. There *are* no answers - none.

Unwisdom.

Lastly I would like to say a big "fuck you" to all those countless nitwits who profess to know the answer because they think it's in some book and they've read it. Mama mia. The book of life has never been written - ahoy, wake up! It's not there and there's nothing you know beside your own ignorance. Pray to it, bow to it, confess and profess, it's all a huge, incredible, laughable nothing. Ah, the twits. Ah, the poor poor twits. Laughable, lovable, fatuous farts. Anyway - sometimes it's so overbearing it matters. But mostly it doesn't.

But yes - it's important to be kind to the silly.

So it does look like I will finally have to come of age in respect to the final solution. What a wonderful expression - it really says it so well. Cruel people are particularly talented when it comes to coining some memorable phrases. Yes - have you ever wondered what it must have felt like to suddenly find yourself stripped and walking down a short flight of stairs into a "magical chamber"? Don't you think it did *not* involve massive last-minute reflections on the historical fates of the jewish nation? Do you think it felt any different than having a huge brick suddenly land on your unsuspecting head out of the blue blue sky? Aw. Forget all those idiotic books you've read. No - all this happened to the "I am alive" fact, and that fact is unwritten. It does not think - it lives and dies for no particular reason. Shit happens. Or it doesn't. Those are the basics. Laughable.

Anyway. It was a nice rant. Not an equation - not solvable. I am not even sure I said anything - least of all why I said this or that. It's truly amazing to what extent it matters not. Wow. Whatever comes out or goes by.

Where's my fool's cap? Oh - I am invisible :)





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