Empty Days

Friday, April 09, 2004



This film also drove home once again my own distrust of life - this distance and coldness that is always with me. I mean, the dreams I am having are just not good. Today it was so obscenely graphic and yet I felt neither fear nor disgust - only slight surprise upon wakening. I dreamt of a human body being sawn to pieces by a large circular saw, with meat and marrow in full view, neatly cut in large chunks as if it were ham. Where the fuck does this come from? And it wasn't even a nightmare - just a regular no-thrills dream.

Sometimes, when I forget the haze of small events populating my attention, I look inside myself and this is just such a wasteland. In some sense I wish I could genuinely feel sorry for myself, feel some regret at least, some rage or whatever. But it's all too familiar and there is nothing to look for.

There was some crap on PBS tonight from Globe Trekkers - some hip young folks travelling like mad supposedly in search of the variety of cultures. Give me a break, please - who cares about cultures? I've been long fed up with touristy adventures because in the end it's nothing but entertainment - you don't learn anything, because there is nothing to learn from that angle. But that's part of my general disgust with all the things of life - that it's not life but a sort of giant movie and I am damn tired of watching it.

I don't know where the poetry of things has gone. It's not there and without it nothing exists. It's just hollow. Thrills and frills and all that shit. Just emptiness. That's the name of my blog btw.

I lack basic lust - desire to live.





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