Empty Days

Thursday, April 15, 2004



Very nice sunny skies outside. Unfortunately I really don't feel it applies to me. Bad mental state. Nightmares. Delusions. It'd be nice to imagine that one day I could get out of this mental hole and find a new way - but it's just not going to happen. Something inside me makes it impossible. It's been that way too long to ignore that it's there. Plain and simple.

***

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. By which it is meant that destruction entails physical death. Unfortunately there are things that destroy you without killing. I've been destroyed a few times over and every time it took away something of that inner strength one needs to keep getting up and go on fighting. At this stage I don't see what it is I need to fight for. My own life is so irrelevant I have to wonder why I can't just put an end to this nonsense. It's weakness and cowardice, I suppose. Reluctance to make a bold move and stop fretting.

Paradoxically it does take some serious strength or some mighty anger to end one's days. What with the survival instinct and fear and emptiness.

I totally understand that quite a few people in various places around the world are willing to meet a bullet in a gun battle or blow themselves up or jump under a tank. It makes perfect sense. I don't understand all-around pacifists who claim one should never take up arms or die. On the countrary - it's very good to die for a cause, especially when the alternative is life without meaning. At the same time I don't understand people who cheer for wars from afar. It's as pathetic as sports fans bitching or boasting about their fave players - doesn't make their own lives any more meaningful to sit there and watch.

***

One casuality of accumulating destructions has been my policy towards making friends. It is a perfectly untenable business if your own life is in constant decline. Reaching out or feeding off people just doesn't change that in any way - contrary to popular belief or what not.

First I had to let go of real-life relationships, then it turned out that setting-up internet contacts should also be abandonned. It's only a temporary delusion to imagine that you can get away with virtual communication when communication in real life has nothing to hang on to.

So basically I found myself ditching e-mail, newsgroups and online chat stuff. Blogging is the next intermediary step in this progressive abandonment of human ties - no need to tie your laces when you know the knot won't hold :)

***

Well, basically that's the picture. Maybe not final, but pretty much exhaustive.

A lot of members of my extended family are currently dying of cancer abroad - it's old age as much as cancer. And what I know for sure is that it doesn't matter, since I will never have a chance to regain a sense of family belonging in this lifetime of mine.

And so on. Off to watch tv.





/ 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003 / / 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003 / / 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003 / / 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003 / / 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003 / / 11/23/2003 - 11/30/2003 / / 11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003 / / 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003 / / 12/14/2003 - 12/21/2003 / / 12/21/2003 - 12/28/2003 / / 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004 / / 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004 / / 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004 / / 01/18/2004 - 01/25/2004 / / 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004 / / 02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004 / / 02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004 / / 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004 / / 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004 / / 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004 / / 03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004 / / 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004 / / 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004 / / 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004 / / 04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004 / / 04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004 / / 04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004 / / 04/25/2004 - 05/02/2004 / / 05/02/2004 - 05/09/2004 / / 05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004 / / 05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004 / / 05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004 / / 05/30/2004 - 06/06/2004 / / 06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004 / / 06/13/2004 - 06/20/2004 / / 06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004 / / 06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004 / / 07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004 / / 07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004 / / 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004 / / 07/25/2004 - 08/01/2004 / / 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004 / / 08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004 / / 08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004 / / 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004 / / 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004 / / 09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004 / / 09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004 / / 09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004 / / 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004 / / 10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004 / / 10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004 / / 10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004 / / 10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004 / / 10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004 / / 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005 / / 02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005 / / 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005 / / 03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005 / / 03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005 / / 04/03/2005 - 04/10/2005 / / 04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005 / / 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005 / / 04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005 / / 05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005 / / 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005 / / 05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005 / / 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005 / / 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005 / / 06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005 / / 06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005 / / 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005 / / 09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005 / / 09/11/2005 - 09/18/2005 / / 09/18/2005 - 09/25/2005 / / 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005 / / 10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005 / / 10/16/2005 - 10/23/2005 / / 11/13/2005 - 11/20/2005 / / 11/27/2005 - 12/04/2005 /