Empty Days

Sunday, June 27, 2004



The circle of ideas.

In a way it has been a bitter blessing of my life that the currents of destiny pulled me out of a certain self-contented circle of humanity where I would have prospered and no doubt flourished to my small potential. I can easily envision myself blissfully polluting the printed page with artfully self-absorbed confidences of the "intimate", in the naive myopic confidence of the ever-indulged. This frequently happens to literati - knowing not what they're doing is the very hallmark of these witty idlers.

The human circle one belongs to determines one's vision of the world and shapes ideas - faithfully replicated from one individual to another. The outsider is the one who brings trouble and new blood - while insiders perpetually wallow in the same stale concepts.

I know this well and I also know that I never had any particular incentive to overcome these peacefully tepid certainties - why would I, if I am no longer subject to their ebbing influence? With me these are simply old toys, somehow dear for their use and warm memories, something like comforting relics I keep under glass and pull to view from time to time - the closet of history personal.

The destruction one endures by losing hold on life is perhaps the best school of uncertainty one could dream of. Sometimes I think of my former friends who are still faithfully executing the mental motions of their natural milieu - and I wonder at the comic security these familiar convictions do indeed bring into one's life. It is a calumny to say that people do not like to think for themselves - in fact, people should not think, unless a dire and ineluctable need arises and abysses of annihilation are laid bare. Otherwise it is perfectly human and, I would add, highly humane to dispense with too much intellectual independence - it is tortuous and it brings nothing but ruin and chaos in a world well-made and roundly familiar.

Rebels should be chased away - and so they are indeed.





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