Empty Days

Thursday, June 24, 2004



Freedom.

I tend to obsess about things. There is no doubt about it. Especially things like writers and various thinkers. That's called "being in a world". I spend all the time I need in whatever such world - and then I fall out into the usual emptiness of attending non-reality which is what most of my life is made of anyway. In other words, I use my mind to practice escapism - with great abandonment and without qualms as to what is being left behind. Not much is in any case.

The value of life has been reduced to a minimum. Being around is at most a nuisance to myself and to others - except for those who leech on me as part of their preferred world (friends, parents, relatives). It's important for them that I should hover around, somewhere within mental reach at least. But outside of this superfluous need for my presence, I am just a continuum of enduring nonsense - a flat wave of solitude, endlessly beaming the same tedious signal into the same vacuous space - and that's how I know myself, ladies and gentlemen.

Am I "depressed" for speaking such odious facts? Not at all - I actually feel perfectly fine at the moment. Quite lucid, as a matter of fact. Just saying what is and how it's been and how it's gonna be. Could this continuum be broken, might this ever change through some barely natural fluke of inner/outer circumstances? It's hard to say. I would think not - but that's the logic of my wave-length, and I can't think outside of what is.

***

I keep thinking about this insidious description Houellebecq made of the act of free-will and though it says a bit more than it really means, still the basic idea is quite sound - and, I would add, accurate.

An act of free-will is one that changes your destiny - or the wave-length you've been engaged on from times immemorial. The outer manifestations of such change may not be all that easy to spot. Some people are extremely driven and jump from one thing to another all the time, while others are perhaps very limited and visibly and tediously monotonous - but in both cases the direction of destiny is perfectly uniform and effectively unchallenged. What freedom exists when you're so blindly bound by your pre-existing dynamics?

Yet, Houellebecq is right - free-acts may and do occur. Except that you're no master of any such liberation. The wind of change blows one knows not whence - and, easily, it never does arise.

Where will you choose to go today? There is nowhere to go.





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