Empty Days

Thursday, June 24, 2004



Slept through the day, woke up upon a daliesque dream of a totally bizarre Paris where they had a Nabokov museum that looked like a mausoleum. Given that I spent the night with my mind firmly set on french literary scene it was to be expected.

Upon waking suddenly realized that all those Houellebecq books were due at the library, so I rushed up the hill in splendid June weather only to find that this is Quebec and things are closed in Quebec on June 24 (of course I entirely forgot which date it was - despite having a clear sense as to books being due - but I guess I was still slightly disoriented from having spent so much time in that dream).

***

This was a sad promenade though. I think there is a good reason why I avoid going outside too much - the world is too full of life, especially in summer, and when I get to see it all too up close, I have to feel just how out of it I am. The sense of alienation becomes too pressing and I have to retreat to my home/my fortress to forget all and get busy with something that has no bearing on this reality of mine. It's a neurotic strategy but I know of no better.

As the Unabomber says, people need to go through some power-process in this world - and if you don't get a chance and are denied a little power, you get really low and depressed. You become a neurotic. Damn right, Ted.

***

There is no doubt that this blog here and everything attending ("internet as a window on the world") is where I get to do my power-process bit - entirely unwarranted and fantasmatic, but what else is there?

My suicidal UK penpal gets his power-process bit from playing GO online and getting good at it. Others immerse themselves in chess etc. I can't really let myself to just play games that way.





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