Empty Days

Monday, July 26, 2004



Alienation.

It's interesting that whenever I get a glimpse of clear-skies in my mental landscape (it's a rare occurence and usually comes out of the blue) the fabulation associated with it always involves some distant travels and fast vehicles. I had a temporary motorbike fad a couple of years ago, which faded pretty rapidly too - but it was really an exciting type of dream I had. Another such episode involved the idea of learning to drive a truck and go work on long-distance hauls - also faded pretty soon, because it wasn't feasible, but the type of idea does ressemble the bike fad. And now this idea of going on a cycling-tour is in the same range.

It seems that the only thing that gets me off the ground is some sort of dream about going really far on my own.

And of course I should mention the idea of "a shack in the woods" - which has been with me for so long I can't remember when it started. I consider this an impossible dream but it grips me no end when I happen on a story that features somebody who did it (like the Unabomber, obviously).

What prevents me from trying to put these in practice is general alienation and lack of familiarity with the ways of the world here. It's not my country and it really shows - I lack the unconscious basic information that locals have from the mere fact of having been born into this world. As a result it's always a total unknown - no mental connections anywhere.

***

I know a girl in Toronto who came here as a child from India - she is so fundamentally alienated and insecure about the world here she never wanted to travel anywhere: I've invited her to make the trip to Mtl a million times and she never could do it. Then she married a local and it is under the protection of her husband that she now goes here and there, but never of her own volition. Should she live alone again, she'd never leave the greater TO area, it's certain and nothing can change this - not even experience.

This is clearly social and cultural type of alienation - I am not as badly affected because of european background, but I am still subject to this same insecurity and lack of basic familiarity, I know why it is. I also know that if ever I tried to familiarize myself with this world in all its possibilities, to "expand" so to speak, it would demand an almost super-human effort of integration and breaking the illusory walls in my mind - it would not come naturally to say the least.

I am tremendously tired of this never-ending sense of strangeness - it wears me down, I hate it, I crave familiarity and I can't find any. And never will - that too I know. It would seem that the best course of action would be to seek out a quiet remote place and get lost there forever. I think I could "integrate" with emptiness well enough - but I am not sure I will be able to find such a place. It's impossible in the city - it may be even more impossible in the country.

***

People stick to the basics - making friends, getting married, raising kids, hiding inside the family.

I lost the most basic human values - I can't even understand how any of this makes sense. It doesn't make sense to me. Mere companionship doesn't make sense. What does? Not much.

Don't go too far - I am already gone far enough.





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