Empty Days

Friday, July 23, 2004



By the way, this blog is doing me a world of good. I don't know why but talking to the blog seems to bear real fruit - I do what I say, and then after I've spoken here, I keep thinking. I am done with the hate for the nemesis - now, whenever I see the guy, it makes me giddy. Something changed, I got rid of the bad vibe. Meditations on will and freedom also seem to occasion transformations. Getting rid of any form of feedback and making the blog into a personal diary was a good idea - playing with people and opinions was a distracting activity. Seeking outside opinion equals seeking justification. That's not what I need - I need to get my own mind straight, and there's no one in the world who can do it for me.

Other people's ideas and opinions can be very opportune - but it's not really a guiding light. People play power-games with ideas. Why would it matter that my words may influence or impress somebody else? There are two reasons: either it proves my worth to myself, or it allows me to impose my will on others. Which is the same thing in the end. Just a form of competitiveness masquerading as communication - the stuff of all intellectual exchanges. There is no doubt that it can be highly exhilarating, but in the end it's still just a game. A very distracting game in fact.

I still think that the only viable human communication is effectively based on feeling and emotion, not intellect. People usually like each other for no clear reason - very much like dogs. And dogs are far more genuine in that respect than people. We all like to play games, it's fun. In a way, ideas are a joke.

So I guess my point so far is self-sufficiency. Purposelessness invites self-sufficiency - I don't want wisdom, I want a way of life. Words are a fickle intermediary in this. The day I will cease to feel the need for talking I will know I've done it. That day seems a world away - but it's a state worth striving for.





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