Empty Days

Friday, July 30, 2004



Ph of life.

Of course I am talking about my life - the purposeless disconnected sort of life. When you are involved in all sorts of human things, everything gets out of proportion very quickly. There are huge passions, losses, worries, cravings, fears. I have my share of all that but on a very diminished scale. I do worry a lot for trifles but at the same time I know it's all one big bundle of dung.

Falling in love is a pretty bad experience, as far as I can recall (haha). It's something like a huge exercise in neediness - all your lacks come to the fore and you find yourself expecting solution, restitution and salvation from that one human. Which is of course a pretty crazy idea, but love is like that - it's a great crazy hope.

*

I could never understand how it is people actually get to believe some slogans like "Jesus loves you" - and a great many people do, what's more. I don't understand how that works in their heads: imaging somebody invisible and powerful who personally loves them very much. Do they all have some sort of mystic experience of that supposed love-from-above? I doubt it. Most people actually believe slogans, without any sort of inner experience to back it up. There is a lot of imagination that goes into this sort of belief and in the end it is probably based on a pretty deep need for being loved - something most of us have such a hard time getting from others for real.

But I can't even imagine how this need could be so deep that it would make people fabulate that way. Another explanation would be that the force of religious community, wholesale acceptance on condition of believing some such slogans, is a pretty powerful motive. People actually mistake being "taken into the fold" of purely human community (ecclesia) for the love of god no less. It's true that the power of unity is something to count with - but I still don't understand how you can mistake that for anything else :-0

I suppose it takes some falling out of that "fold" to understand that there was never any "love of god" but simply a very deep and warm feeling of belonging explained in certain religious terms. These concepts disappear as useless on a desert island - they just don't work that way.

*

What other human passions beside love are there? Well, ambition for one. But for ambition to exist and make sense you need some mountain to climb - human society is made in the shape of a mountain and offers all the difficulties needed for a good hardy climb. Ambition is another name for fame, in any case. You can be "famous" inside your own small circle of friends and foes. I've known a guy who made it his goal to read the entire encyclopedia cover to cover. What for? Well, to impress people - a lot of knowledge is always impressive. He'd likely deny such a "base" motive, but the whole concept of "remarkable people" is very appealing for that reason.

Clearly, ambition will wane very quickly on the desert island - you'd burn that encyclopedia soon enough and wonder what bit you to be so enamored with all that pile of facts. Most of the knowledge we tumble around is fundamentally useless and is accumulated "for profit" - in small-time impressiveness rather than any sort of personal thought or what not. By "useless" I mostly mean fundamentally disconnected from what and how life is. Theories are perhaps helpful for engineering but not for living life and getting to find out what it's really about for you who live it - because, strangely enough, it's never a really settled and obvious fact for any of us mortals.

*

Life is made up of every-day inanities, not of grand theories, religions and all that claptrap. I can be a buddhist today and a christian mystic tomorrow and a vague pantheist the day after and an atheist on sundays. None of these explanations are either sufficient or exhaustive or even remotely applicable to my every-day experience. I frankly do not understand how many people live and what they believe in and why - and, frankly, I don't think I am supposed to understand everything.

There are certain basic realities that are pretty matter-of-fact: like when somebody punches you in the face, you either run or you punch back, and then you either feel ok about it or are all tortured and offended. That's all those grand theories come down to. You will believe in the power of evil when you get in any serious contact with some real bad human nastiness; and you will be able to ignore either good or evil as long as you get to experience only natural disasters. Comfort and security are foremost preconditions for high-mindedness - I know that my philosophy of life is entirely predicated on the rather narrow range of my experience: I haven't been seriously wronged and mangled in my lifetime.

*

One thing I now know for sure is that I will never - and I mean *never* - get to understand what life really is. Life and death, and all that. I will die entirely in the dark and unresolved. And that makes me laugh. It makes me giddy to think of this. Because this little impossibility essentially invalidates all knowledge, all learning, all so-called wisdom, all grand ideas and rigid principles - which are all nothing but a huge and useless violation of the human mind.

There is nothing to understand - how wonderful.

*

The obvious consequence - or cause - of this is that I conceive of life as essentially purposeless. That too makes me giddy because in that case there is no need to bash my head against all those innumerable walls in pursuit of some indisputable objective. What might such an objective be? Haha. Whatever works out in the end will be just fine with me.

With all this I am of course reduced to live from day to day, with a microscopic view of every day's happenings, because everything beyond that just doesn't make sense. I worry about a lot of trifles and live from small bit of experience to another small bit of experience - with all the little bites in the ass from various nasty insects that this entails. My life is not a drama - it's a joke. Just enough by me.

*

I also know by now that I will never be able to get rid of all the worries and various sufferings I get to experience from being alive. Whatever the conditions, whatever I do, I'll always have to deal with those one way or another. I'll always be somewhat powerless against various things. But my main suffering has been the inability to deal with myself - I think that can still be overcome to some extent.

*

And now I have to go get some smokes. To be continued ad infinitum, I guess.





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