Empty Days

Wednesday, July 28, 2004



Something is not right - I feel so tired I slept most of yesterday, dozing off instead of doing whatever I was planning to do. Maybe it's anxiety that wears me down, I can't really determine the cause. One thing I can say though is that the overall flow of energy is somewhat blocked and it may as well be due to psychology as to some purely physical stuff I am not aware of. Let's just say I really don't feel in top shape these days - my immune system might be currently fighting off some hidden crap and I really don't help it by smoking and being anxious.

In any case, I am still kind of convinced I will go down with cancer one of these days - and it's even one of the major arguments in my battles against money-phobia: why worry about overstretching on cash when you might lose all your physical independence tomorrow? It's a winning argument, but I feel too tired and messed up to act on it.

Heh. I could never determine how it works exactly: whether it's messed up psychology that blocks vital energy - the kind of energy that makes you itch for action - or lack of this energy messes up psychology and makes it flacid and paralyzed. I just can't make it out. I would still go with psychology being the culprit because it's well known that you can push the body really far with enough mental power. On the other hand, when you feel sleepy and tired, you can't really tell yourself tall tales about mental power - you just wanna sleep and that's it. But outside of that, it's unclear which is which.

Everything is always unclear to me.





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