Empty Days

Tuesday, August 17, 2004



Battling myself.

I should be focused on my trip, yet little things keep interfering and affecting my mood - instead of well-channeled energy I am constantly battling various inner detours and slacking. This is not good and it's basically my fault - I know very well that when I am really working on something, nothing can detract me, I actually breeze past all the obstacles because they don't matter in view of the more inspiring goal.

I suppose I am not inspired enough - not keeping a straight line, letting myself be distracted, losing focus. This usually means that there is something about my project that is not right and that I prefer not to see what it is - instead I simply let myself be led away, avoiding taking heed.

This is likely fear - not of various difficulties but of myself, of how I might react to this whole thing: that I might not enjoy any of it, that I might not be able to free myself from all my endless anxieties, and the sense of futility, and doubts. I wish I could be like a child awaiting christmas - any project worth doing has to carry a measure of joy, be it challenge or just pleasure. There is no point having sex if you don't enjoy it - likewise with this trip: there is no point if I don't believe I can experience joy.

The greatest fear is that I will have to meet myself on this trip - and I am not sure I want this to happen. I haven't been able to *desire* to travel for so long because travel means you are alone with yourself all the time - I used to love travelling, but after a certain point I completely lost the ability to enjoy myself and in the same breath I lost the taste for travels. I am trying to overcome this but half of it is forced - yet there is at least a partial revival of desire and I have to help it somehow.

Lack of energy, laziness, anxieties - all these are dead things inside me not wanting to resurrect or clear out. I am partly a corpse and I well know it. This corpse is trying to come back to life - it doesn't look pretty, to say the least.

Broken will is not a symbolic expression - it means exactly what it says. The first sign is inability to desire. The next sign is inability to go along with desire whenever it finally shows up. The last sign is a series of tortuous jerks when I try to harness my will and actions to my desire. The whole process is completely and utterly fucked up and I am not even sure my being able to overcome this once will have any positive effect in the aftermath - maybe I'll just revert to my former state, no matter what effort I would have exerted in the meantime.

One glaring thing is that this corpse is very reluctant to be revived. I don't know what this fear is based on, why it's all so incredibly difficult. I don't know how to describe what hopelessness means and what hope is made of - and why there is such a war between the two. I don't even know how it is that I got broken so bad to begin with...

All my life has been a long struggle against myself - not some outside forces but my very own self, the very thing I was supposed to rely on in those glorified struggles "against the world". Therefore my life has been a waste and will continue to be entirely useless as long as I will keep so busy with this totally meaningless battle. I wish I could turn away for a moment and get to breath freely - but no, I can't possibly have that kind of luck.

So voila - I am back where I started, fighting the very same imaginary dreads. There is just no end to this, it would seem. "Self-confidence" is a word that doesn't mean anything because it points to a meaning it can't possibly describe. What does it really mean to have self-confidence or even simply faith? What does it mean to have a strong will? Or how about: to be free to do all you can? I don't have that freedom, that's for sure. I don't even know how to get there, let alone what it is. Those whose will is intact don't ask these questions - those who ask can't do a thing about it.





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