Empty Days

Tuesday, August 03, 2004



Full stop.

Not going anywhere at this point - great time to have periods, what can I say.

***

Nightmares due to anxiety. Today woke up in horror after taking a deep-sleep walk among dumped corpses of dead children somewhere in the backyard of my consciousness. What the fuck...

***

It's not normal that I should fume so much over this philippino carwash thing. About as obsessive as the Unabomber himself. Had to go visit my parents to diffuse the anger somehow - talked about various things, trying to forget, it didn't really help.

Nevertheless something prevented me from going beserk - I am glad I didn't do anything just yet, because the sources of this rage are not really due to anything specific. The anxiety itself goes far beyond whatever obnoxious facts. Could be related to hormonal variations, but could as well be something worse - like the consciousness of a dead-end and not being able to break loose.

***

I am a sleep-walker. When I am very anxious I am known to engage in a lot of automaton activity at night. Since I live alone it's impossible for me to say when I am sleep-walking or not - but I am pretty sure it must be happening from time to time.

I think sleep-walking is an indication of a pretty enormous gap between subconscious and conscious life, with the latter not fully in control. In the sense that the subconscious tends to take over. It doesn't only happen in sleep - most of my conscious life is actually directed by very unclear and unacknowledged impulses. Anxiety might be one form of this.

Basically, I have no idea who I am - and what's more, I live as if I were not exactly myself. There is something else and that's the more important part. It's a sort of double-life, another identity shadowing the visible one.

***

Under these conditions it is improbable that I will ever find any sort of peace and quiet - a very losing proposition.





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