Empty Days

Tuesday, August 03, 2004



It's rainy today again. I've biked in the rain out of necessity (going to a dentist appointment, 30 or 40 minutes by bike depending on traffic) - the last time was in november, it poured buckets, it was deathly cold, it was dark, it was rush hour, I was soaked to the bone and it felt very much like doing extreme sports - hard weather and traffic conditions. I really don't see the point of doing this for pleasure. Therefore I don't see how it makes sense to bike all day long in the rain, even if it's summer rain - unless it's almost tropical weather and rain comes as a relief from heat.

So when I think about this biking trip I imagine I would camp rather than bike through such wet times.

***

Maybe I should stop thinking about this biking trip though. Fuck: first I procrastinate, then I fume over philippinoes, then I am prevented from going.... It's been a whole month like that already, something is not right about this whole idea. It stalls too much. Then my father who was supposed to feed the cat tells me he will be busy for three weeks starting this Friday so instead of living in my place for a few days at a time like he did in the past (like when I went to Toronto) he'd have to walk here once a day to feed the cat. It's a pretty long walk - too bad he is afraid to bike in traffic, it's really a breeze otherwise.

What's more, my brother is also afraid of biking, and he's way too lazy to walk anywhere without a motivating purpose, so he won't be able to help out either. This family is unbelievable - I am the only one who ever did any sports and I always loved that physical part of life, the great outdoors and all that, it was certainly not something I picked up from the family but rather did it against the grain. When as a kid I was forced to move to this blasted new world, I lost most of my original freedom - back home we didn't live in the city, and back home I was thoroughly familiar with my environment. So the only thing that I was able to keep up here on a self-sufficient basis was biking - to a limited extent, because I could never leave the city, as I had no friends and no familiarity with the people and lands here. Anyway - the whole thing was a stupid bad move and it's now part of my fate, and I guess I am trying to recover from that original mistake as best I can. Most of my whole fucking life has been spent trying to overcome that mistake. FUCK.

***

Haha - I certainly sound like a cat who's been moved to a new home. Except that cats are far more adaptable that I ever was.

***

It's useless to blame anything on the parents. I don't understand what is this pop-psychology idea that parents are in any way responsible for their kids growing up all fucked up. Isn't it obvious that those "parents" are themselves just products of the previous generation whose unwitting mistakes they carry throughout their lives adding some of their own, for the next generation to deal with? All of this entirely unconscious - which means that there is nobody to hold responsible for who you are: unless you're prepared to analyze and condemn a whole chain of generations, in the gothic curse-of-the-family style.

Jesus. I think too many people misunderstood Freud. He was Jewish - original sin, anybody? Thoroughly unredeemed, what's more.

***

Humidity is so high I can hardly smoke - tobacco is too damp to roll.

***

It is a gross mistake and ignorance to believe that getting high on drugs is somehow unnatural. Think back to primitive tribal living and you will realize that people freely used drugs since the birth of humanity so to speak. Even animals get high on certain plants (ever seen a cat around valerian root?).

Medicinal and drug-like qualities of plants are one and the same thing - weed is actually just weed, just as ginger is a root. Boo - let it grow, mensch.

Meantime, driving a car or riding a bike is indeed quite an innovation: much more than tobacco smoking. Of course there were no hospital bills back when Red Indians ruled the prairies. And so on and so forth. Certain principles are wanton and should be disregarded.

***

I am hyperactive today and not doing anything - hence all the chatter.





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