Empty Days

Tuesday, August 17, 2004



No go as yet.

Well, things turned different from what I planned but I am not deterred as yet.

One strange occurence is that I got so tired on Sunday I practically couldn't stay awake today - I am still tired.

This exhaustion is somewhat surprising - it seems purely physical but I think it's mental fatigue mostly, a sort of accumulated result of all the inner struggles and anxiety I went through recently. Whenever I put pressure on myself and feel prevented or blocked, I get exhausted from useless expense of energy that goes nowhere. This may be a dubious explanation, but I have to wonder how it is that I got so tired doing practically nothing - on Sunday I spent some time fabulating about my plans, then went to see my parents to ask them to feed the cat, then I went for a walk with my mother... stayed late and came back home around 1am. I don't see how such a day can produce such extreme exhaustion unless it's mental stuff. One reason might be that I found my parents in a pretty bad nervous state because of whatever problems, my mother especially. I let her talk into me and it is just possible that I got loaded with all her anxieties and bad vibes just from absorbing her mood - she seemed relieved from talking, so I guess I got loaded instead and unwittingly. This might sound somewhat esoteric because people are not supposed to notice such obscure stuff, but it's an old story between me and my mother - everything happens way beyond consciousness and translates into reactive moods and telepathic dreams. It's hard to articulate perhaps, but it's really not all that hard to notice.

Anyway - the end result is that I got deathly tired. If I got so tired on my bike trip, I wouldn't be able to pedal the next day. Maybe I am so terrifically out of shape I might collapse from a few hours on the bike? Who knows...
It certainly suits my parents well, because they are busy until the end of this week - the later I go, the better for them.

*

But instead of just sleeping through the day as I pretty much felt like doing, I still went out and did some mischief.

First I wanted to find some green tarp but this is just something that can't be found, it seems. So I compensated by "taking" some things from the store - got a pair of biking gloves and the wheel-truer tool, on a whim. It is pretty certain that if I were able to find the tarp, I would have paid for it gladly and I would not have thought of getting or "taking" anything else.

I am strange thief because I do it out of vengence and thus with a limpid consciousness and stunning boldness - I don't even try to hide and don't feel afraid of getting caught. If I feel afraid, that's when it really becomes stealing - and I prefer not to do it then.

Then I followed my luck and visited a previously unknown second-hand shop which proved somewhat better than the Salvation Army one - got a pair of light nylon pants that can be transformed into a pair of shorts (precisely the sort of nifty stuff I can never buy new as it's usually way too expensive for me) and also found a good shirt that should do the job on a frisky evening. The advantage over Salvation Army is that they don't charge sale taxes - which makes the whole thing even cheaper.

All of which compensates for a day essentially lost through this absurd fatigue so I am taking it easy: things will get going when the time is good, I just need to wait.

*

Timing is a very interesting concept. It is intimately related to the notion of luck. What it means essentially is that there is a whole system of the world out there, an innumerable mass of unknown events and facts over which you can have no control - you never know what awaits you out there, how you will fit into this unknown system. No amount of planning or preparedness can over-rule the basic notion of "right time right place" - when you are delayed or deflected in your plans by unmarked chance events and situations, this is all part of how luck works. Luck is part of your plan - it works with you and you have to feel it and be aware you're not alone in your plannings. That's how you know when "the time is good" to go ahead. It's basically intuition - there is nothing definitive that one might
say about it, except that sometimes things don't feel right and sometimes they do.

This can be observed in the above-mentioned acts of stealing - absence of fear and complete certainty of doing it right essentially garanties that it will indeed go right. You feel the situation even though you cannot possibly know all that is there and that can happen - theoretically you can always get caught or run into difficulty, but it doesn't happen. Interestingly enough, when you don't listen to this intuition and only go with your intellect that gives you a theoretical reading of the situation ("I never got caught before, why should I get caught now even if it doesn't feel right for some reason") you are basically playing with fire - things can turn against you in a minute, you are truly unprotected and walking on a very shaky ground. Of course, this is impossible to explain theoretically - because you don't necessarily get caught and thus there are no hard facts to attest just how dubious a situation you've just escaped. Theories work with facts only - but facts are only a manifestation of certain unseen goings-on between you and the world. In other words, reason can't grasp luck - but you would be very unreasonable to ignore it just because you can't understand how it works exactly.

Another example is of course road accidents - they also happen to people who follow rules. But rules don't include situations when people lose control of their car through some split-second mishap: you can ban all cell-phones in the world, and ban all alcohol and drugs, and all people might stop running red-lights etc etc - and yet accidents will continue to happen. Accidents would happen even if drivers were not human but super-logical unemotional cyborgs who would follow all possible rules and proper-actions to a T, like that dreadful bore of a cyborg from the old Star Trek series. Perhaps the number of dead cyborgs would be less than that of human drivers, but the notion of accidents will perdure regardless of all the reasoned perfection. As a matter of fact, it may very well happen that there would be more dead cyborgs than humans - because cyborgs have no intuition at all and thus can't cooperate with the unknown part of the world, the one that obeys not logic but chance.

*

Now I should really go to bed, this post is getting too bizarre.





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