Empty Days

Friday, August 06, 2004



The question.

My principal concern in life is the problem of will - I don't know what it is, where it comes from, how it is lost and how it might be revived.

Nietzsche tried to tackle it but his account is insufficient. So are the explanations offered by various brands of psychology.

Will or spirit - or inspiration. I truly don't know how it works, yet I am convinced that all life is dependent on it. A purely materialist view doesn't quite cut it.

The same question may be rephrased as: what is life.

When E.Fromm talks of "real freedom" and "true self" etc he essentially means - true life.

Religions talk a lot about this but always metaphorically - and it's mostly impossible to figure out unless one has understood already.

I deal with this vital unknown every day of my life and I keep screwing up because I can't understand. I am trapped in my inability to understand this. No amount of "information" will ever enlighten me if I can't understand out of my own experience.

Basically, I don't know the most important thing there is to know.

*

My father tells me I am too self-absorbed for my own good. That's absolutely right - I am. I suppose if I had a very good motive to be absorbed with something else, I would be. Which was indeed very much the case once upon a time - a very long time ago, when my will was still intact and functional.

Take the case of Kierkegaard - what a blasted liar. With all his talk of God, he is obliquely raving about the loss of his own will and nothing else. That's all there is to it. The fact that he chose the language of christian philosophy to try to deal with this problem is incidental - it has nothing to do with either christianity or what not, it only has to do with the loss of will and the source of life.
For all his brilliance as a thinker, I don't think he solved his problem - he made it worse by going miles around it. He should have acted and experienced instead of talking. But he couldn't - or thought it was useless. What a desperate liar this guy was. Yet I can't blame him, he was trapped. But I am sorry for those who take his declarations at face value.

*

Is there God? No, there isn't. There is something else however - faith in life. And life is unknown and acts in strange ways. There is far more than meets the eye. Perhaps that's where God is after all. And much more besides.

But I have no faith in life.





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