Empty Days

Friday, September 10, 2004



Endless dead-end.

I know what's wrong with me - I see a dead-end. I see that I can't move anywhere because I will not find any more will to live for it - no matter where I go to settle I will not find it inside me. The only time I feel somehow able to live is when I am travelling - but this is because travelling removes me from my general helplessness inside the human world. Yet I always have to return to that helplessness and it immediately takes away all sense and purpose. Therefore travelling is an illusion - the backstage is full of pits.

I am a shadow of myself sitting here being stuck - but reality is only temporarily atteignable, it doesn't last and doesn't give any of its force to the permanent shadowy state.

Yes, I hate the city - because this is where all my life is. I hate my life, to put it simply. And I cannot find any other life - only temporary states of being.

How the fuck can I get around this? What masterful illusion can I create to cover this glaring fact?

I talked to a military guy on the internet who appeared such an enormous cheerful enthusiast for m/c bike touring. Then it turned out that he's broken with PTSD from his tours of duty in ravaged places, and that all this bike-travelling of his is in fact a desperate running away from that permanent state. He didn't say it but it was not hard to guess, really. It's all an escape, never a solution.

Well, I don't know of any solution. The solution should be inside me and it's simply not there - it's a fucking void. I can't find no purpose to my life because there is no such life - I am just hanging on, trying not to disappear completely. But this hanging-on has no force of its own, it doesn't create anything. Can I really leave all and run away into the void which is my real abode? That's what it would be like, to be on the road for good.

It's negative freedom and I can't surrender to it - though it would be a pretty drastic alternative to suicide.

Being on the road is a powerful way of forgetting - but it doesn't do anything else, it only lets me forget. The joy that it brings is short-lived and has no restoring power. The fact that I came back to feel my hell with even greater acuteness is a good indication - forgetting execerbates remembering.

What the fuck can I do?

There won't be any way out and I won't be able to either find it myself or even see it pass by - I am not equipped to notice.





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