Empty Days

Wednesday, September 15, 2004



Fragments.

My bad tooth is giving me hell - will have to go pull it out. A root-canal would cost around $400 and the money is not there, quite simply. My parents might insist to pay for it though - for some reason they have quite a special relationship to my bad teeth, probably because it's a genetic feature and they feel responsible. If I just go and pull it out they will take it as a personal offense and a hostile action on my part.

*

I've been seeing a lot of them lately - my mother is having nightmares because of this, heh. The more I explain to her my view of life, the more depressed she gets. The problem is helplessness and the burden of what has passed before. These things never die - it is a neverending story and a sort of freak-show. But that's reality as we've always known it in here.

*

Been doing some white-nights chatting. As a result collapsed in the middle of the afternoon and slept some hours to recover. I don't feel like sleeping nights because I don't know what to do with the days and would rather feel dazed and somnolent than needlessly active and refreshed. In fact, whenever I am not actively engaged in some entirely useless activity, I immediately fall into the pit of my current inner state.

It's a bad murky state these days.

Can't even raise enough hope to trust again in the liberation powers of travel etc. Perhaps I simply need to pull myself out of this rut and break away from the environment again - yet at the same time I have a nagging feeling that something important is being decided inside somewhere and the accompanying murkiness is just bubbles coming up to the surface.

I'll let it forment for a while still.

*

I've been repeatedly entertained by a wanna-be hacker trying to fuck-up my icq chats. I hope this teenager will grow up strong and healthy, once he'd have defeated my uncomplicated computer facilities at such a critical age of his mental and emotional development. Heh.





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