Empty Days

Friday, September 24, 2004



Intangible practicalities.

A week to go to october 1st - next cheque. I got less than $100 left on the account which also means it will blow a bit with the upcoming electricity bill. Not a big deal. It only gets rough when by the end of the month the balance drops to zero.

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So i never did anything about that idea to go apple-picking. Just as I never did anything about anything else in the end. And why the fuck is that? that's because I can see nothing at all beyond these seemingly worthwhile activities - it's a wall out there and a boundless emptiness - and why push for whatever if the road ends in a ditch?

This is a description of what it feels like to have no faith - got nothing to do with doubt, it's basically just like looking at a wall.

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Kierkegaard was saying something somewhere about how a desperate man is simply in need of possibilites - the only thing that can break despair is a sense of possibility. He wanted to invent it for himself - I am not sure he was able to, for all the books he wrote about this.

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"May the Lord have mercy on you" - said they and shot him dead.

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These overtures to people through online chatting was probably quite an instinctive survival strategy. When you feel closured and emprisonned in a maze of endless dead-ends, searching for people is equivalent to searching for rescue - something to breach a passage through all those walls inside yourself. People have life in them and a mind of their own - the possibilities there extend beyond what you could ever imagine on your own. Just touching on this sense is something of an overcoming of the closed mind.

At the same time you can never get enough of that sense - because you can't really get through either to yourself or to others. What sustains me imposes the limits of what I can grasp - and when this sustainment itself is precarious and limited, it becomes a swamp of my own that pulls me back every time.

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What sustains me? I simply don't know.

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The great rule though is that the more you are able to give out the more you get back, and never the other way around for some reason - Richard Rose the mystic guy talks about this as a matter of experience. This somewhow correlates with the dynamics of never focusing on result while engaged on some task - not expecting anything beyond the process of engagement. I guess this is the way one gets to open up - almost unknowingly, just by expending energy and desire without exactly knowing why or what for.

I always interrupt this process in myself by getting selfish out of fear - I immediately lose energy by doing this but I can't seem to get away from this fucking bad habit. Basically it's like this: when you imagine you can somehow "manage" your relations with people and the world in general, everything gets interrupted - because of course you can't, as all this is far greater than yourself, beyond your control.

What comes about of its own is a gift - and what you are able to give away is a gift too. Because oftentimes you can't.

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Kafka was about a million times more intelligent and perceptive than I and he was able to express these things to a depth I can hardly even grasp.

His greatest intelligence was in the fact that he could tolerate not to understand - he could not understand people and instead of rushing into stupidity by replacing reality with a small battery of preconceived ideas, he sat there in the midst of his woeful incomprehension and he looked at it with eyes wide open, without blinking. This is how he created some freedom in himself.

This is a rare art - entirely humane.

*

I've been waiting for my time all these years - and yet the door is open. Why can't I enter into the kingdom to make it mine? It's already mine yet I dare not enter.

(parable of the guard and the law)

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There are strange things about lack of will, procrastinantion and what the world prepares for you. There is an imperceptible correlation somewhere there - it is called "luck", or coincidences, or possibility - ultimately fate or destiny.

The only thing I can see is that when I finally cast my dice the number that comes out is not predictable - the very casting of the dice is not predictable, even though it is seemingly only a matter of effecting will at any given time. The problem with this whole thing is that we think of everything only from our own perspective - that controlling mind yet again. But how can you control results that emerge from the world as it meets you at every step?

If I had gone on my bike-trip sometime in July (which is something I blamed myself for due to lack of will or procrastination) I would not have met the people I met (who left a definite impression and changed some things in my thinking), and perhaps would not have seen any wild animals (as that french guy said - that in July there were too many people everywhere), and would not have had the trail all to myself as I did for lack of tourists at the end of august.

It would have been entirely different - if my will was nothing but a motor-engine so I could start it up any time I wanted and effect any of my reasoned plans without any hesitation - how would my will and my reason be related to the world then?

There would be no relation actually.

I guess that's why it's so hard for some very rational people (and I am basically suchlike myself) to understand such a simple concept as intuition - that one might be able to listen to the distant echoes of the world evolving, of the upcoming future and its unforseen consequences, right inside one's own mind. Basically against one's own reason and its plans - understanding that the will is not regulated only by reason...

There is such a thing as esoteric psychology - as if the "science of the soul" could be anything but esoteric :-0

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All this is not a very deep insight - I am not able to see further though because I am perpetually afraid to allow raw experience and observation.





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