Empty Days

Friday, September 10, 2004



Looking for....?

The paradoxical truth here is that no matter how much I hate my present conditions I am not finding any brighter *realistic* alternative to go for. Yeah, the fucking landlord killed the tree and made this place even more disgusting than it already was - and yet I don't see how I would feel any better if I found a way and moved some place else. Maybe it's just bad vision and I can't see the obvious. Or maybe it's just refusal to admit the obvious because I can't see a way of actually doing it.

But where is the truth of it? I can't create meaningful relationships with people, I can't even find a soul to keep my cat - so in actuality I am bound to my parents by the mere fact that they're the only social-network I could ever rely on, and it's really mostly impossible to exist without a soul in the world to turn to. I can't create a new social network for myself - I don't have the basic life-force to push me into lasting deeper contact with people.

How ridiculous is that?

What travel does is that it removes any necessity for creating such lasting human contacts while affording easy interaction and removing any permanent conditions of survival. That's one of its principle "liberating" effects for me. And it's worth nothing.

I don't know how to restore life - I don't know why I don't have it in me.





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