Empty Days

Thursday, September 23, 2004



Lullaby for the rotting corpse.

I left my cat outside yesterday all night long - he didn't want to come home when I called him, so I decided to just leave him "out in the cold" (though it was actually a very warm starry night). This morning feline cries under the balcony finally woke me up and I realized the poor cat has been out there ever since dawn, wondering how it is I wasn't yet serving him breakfeast. Heh. Now he's kinda upset with me and also happier than usual to be back inside. Right - that was the idea, basically.

*

I have a bad feeling about missing out on so many wonderful days - it's indian summer right there and I am not moving. There is something desperately stupid about this inertia but apparently there's just no way I can do things right.

*

One of my bad teeth is playing tricks on me - I am again faced with the boring and bothersome task of feeling out for a dentist I could at least trust and count on in the future. I am deathly tired of all this but I have to do it and I can't postpone anymore.

Did I say I really-really hate dentists? Right - I hate them because they're a bunch of greedy fucks - and to find a human being inside that pile of mercantile crap is something of a desperate prospect. These fucks go to dental school to make huge money by screwing up people's body parts - the vast majority of them should really just learn to sell cars or something, as in any case it's a less utterly inhuman way of making a buck.

Goddam assholes.

A root-canal costs upwards of $350 for one canal and as you might well know quite a few teeth have 2 or 3 of those goddam canals. Extracting the nerve is perhaps a delicate task, surgically precise, but actually it's a pretty boring skill - you just sit there and fiddle inside the tiny canal screwing out bits of that tiny rotting nerve until it's all out. Basically it's just boring actually - the less skilled you are the more time it takes. The more humane dentists are the young ones - and that's only because they're so unsure of themselves, taking too much time and all. Once they've grown into their element their real nature transpires. Hopefully some of them still stay human - I just need to find one like that.

I might have to pull out that tooth though - however it will probably mean that the same thing will soon happen to the tooth next to it, for lack of support. It's a rotting range out there, what can I say. I am not sure what to do about this. Either put it on the credit card or borrow from my parents - whatever.

*

Another rotting realization is that this whole bike-trip idea has lost some of its more fundamental purpose - the dream of liberty it afforded is now gone for good, all that remains is the hope for a temporary relief. Yes, it's very pleasurable to be out there, to smell the earth and the air, to be away. But it doesn't lead anywhere farther than that bit of pleasure. And that's why I can't pull myself together and hope in it like I used to before I went and came back.

Desire based on pleasure is never sufficient for me - I don't want to enjoy myself merely, what I crave and long for is a way out, a new life. And I don't know where to look for it once again.

*

One of my newly acquired online contacts turned out to be suicidal. Well - what a surprise. I hope it doesn't rub on me too much because, fuck, it's not my life and there isn't much i can do about it. It's a coincidence like that - when you run into people who are desperate, it's because they've somehow needed some relief and you happened to be there on their path. So i guess one is obligated to everything that occurs during one's presence in the world - even if it's only online world.

*

Whatever happens will happen - I just have to take it in stride.





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