Empty Days

Saturday, September 18, 2004



What about it.

Exhausted here - fingers stiff from typing for all the chatting, heh.

The janitor destroyed another spot of greenery around the building yesterday - I don't know anymore if it's his decision or the landlords' - I would think it's the janitor because he's one lazy fuck for all I've seen of him - taking care of whatever beyond washing the staircase must have seemed like too much of a chore so he just cut it down. Maybe.

Either way it's clear that this place here is going to get worse and worse - no real point to get upset about it so I don't. I wish I had any real desire and energy to look for something else. But nothing gives. I was thinking about house-sitting some countryside home over the winter but I am not sure I'd be able to find such a possibility just from the newspapers or the internet. However the most important is the desire for change - which eventually would push me to create opportunity or jump on some, but it's simply not there so far.

Nothing I do can give me that desire, it seems.

It's a sort of mental exhaustion that's been growing ever since I returned from my little trip - I thought it would be the exact opposite, apparently I was wrong.

The trip did not give me anything beyond a clear realization that I am not up to any real-life challenges. I can break away for a short while but I am always back into my usual mental hole thereafter. I am glad I did go - but I also understand now just how much of an illusion that was, in terms of expectations and goals at least.

Being realistic simply means facing the inner self just as it is. Mine barely exists and has no push of its own - no matter what ritual dances I perform around this waning heathen.
The campfire needs constant care and new wood to keep going - likewise I need quite a bit more than just my own burning power. I need something to give me strength and there's just nothing in my world that can give me that. In fact there is not much of a world to look forward to in any case.

Perhaps human society is nothing but a pile of wood to burn - and every individual fire feeds from it. Perhaps I am only describing my vintage weakness.

Nothing gives.





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