Empty Days

Friday, October 01, 2004



Being fucked in the neatherworld.

Oh God. I am so fucked I have to fire up the puter and look at those goddam runes. At least something to "talk" to - or that talks to me, or even against me.

The weather is maddeningly gorgeous, and all this sun tells me: what are you waiting for, you fool? It makes me feel totally powerless, this discrepancy between my lethargic mood and the luxurious display of riches and gorgeousness in nature. Why can't I see beyond these fucking four-walls? The prison is all self-made and those walls are in my mind, I fully appreciate that. And yet - what holds me back so much I can't have any faith or movement?

*

Parable from real life. There was a guy on the suicide group whose story is an example of where things might go. He said he was always somewhat fucked but finally decided to live as he wanted. And what he wanted was: independent income, living in the countryside, and love. One day he was laying on the bed in his shitty room in the city, tossing empty beer cans at the ceiling - and on that day he decided he would open his own bike-mechanic shop. And so he did. And in the same period of "self-realization" he met a woman who shared his desire for country-living and they bought a cheap house in the woods. In this way he seemingly found all he wanted: own income, country-life, and a companion. But then it turned out his woman wanted more than that and she left him. He ended up on the suicide-group: because neither his independance nor that house in the woods could now satisfy his fucked-up state of mind. He lost the more precious of it all - the possibility of being loved. Bitterness did him in, and though I don't know all his story, it is likely that this woman was the only breakthrough he ever had in terms of that possibility.

In fact this is a parable about desires, will, and so-called self-realization. Quite obviously willpower and pushing for what you long for is not the only thing out there. It gives a high but once the goals are attained, it all goes down and becomes useless - like climbing the mountains. Once you've climbed all your mountains, you come down to where you were. To your fucked-upness. And the hell begins anew. What is this hell made of, really?

*

I don't know this guy or what happened to him since. And in a way I don't care. But his story tells me a few things about my own dealings with life. The biggest problem is not that I can't climb all those mountains I long to climb, figuratively speaking - the problem is that I am so deathly unable to break out of my own shell and accept cooperation from the world and people. Love is not some incredible rosy dream or an additional candy in the sweet-basket of self-promotion - nah, it's the result of being able to get along with people and with oneself, of just settling for who you are and what comes by. To me it has never been a goal worth pursuing in itself because I only see it as a result and a consequence of something else - of coming to terms with my insignificance, quite simply. I don't know how many more of those "self-realizations" I'd have to attain to reach even a semblance of that state. What lures me however is that I can't see any other way of getting there.

Is there some other way? And what is this whole deal about willpower in any case - what does it really mean?


Runes.

First casting, right on the nail:

NAUTHIZ: Need, Self-Preservation
Resistance within you may create your experience of resistance in the world. Where have you limited yourself? To what have you given so much power that it can cause you such pain? Claim the wisdom of patience and attend to what's needed now, or your hurt has no meaning. This is the Rune of the FORGING OF CHARACTER.

Additional blah-blah: Another somewhat negative rune, the meaning of Nauthiz is apparent in its other spelling, Nied-pronounced "need." When Nauthiz appears in a reading, it almost always indicates something that the querent needs. What that something is will often be spelled out in the surrounding runes. Most important, though, is that until the querent does something about this need, she will be restricted or constrained from moving forward.
Sometimes Nauthiz will appear as a warning of upcoming trouble, delay, ill health, or shortage of some kind, and because of this, Nauthiz can be interpreted to mean "maintain the status quo."


Additional casting, twice the same goddam rune:

DAGAZ: Daylight, Dawn
Night shifts into day; for a moment, opposites are reconciled, the paradox of spirit and flesh transcended. One liminal instant arises in which, if radical faith and intense willpower are fused, a leap can be taken which will forever alter the Pattern of your life. Be alert; recognize this moment, and seize it. This is the Rune of BREAKTHROUGH.

Or/and maybe this: Dagaz, which traditionally means day, has a lot to do with attitude-it can indicate a change of mind or heart on the part of a querent. Sometimes, it shows that querent has decided to make the best of a situation that he can't control.
If you look at it closely, you can start to see that Dagaz resembles the lemniscate (sideways figure eight), the symbol of infinity. In this way, Dagaz in a cast indicates the unlimited possibilities before a person, the idea of "the sky's the limit."

*

Whaawa.





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