Empty Days

Saturday, October 09, 2004



Bondage.

Still feeling lousy today. General bad thoughts due to general situation. Some instances of paranoia. Went to fill out the police-report but it was mostly just to go some place - the weather is really good, it's a shame i can't enjoy this world as much as I might. Maybe I am deluding myself but it seems to me I used to be able to actually "feel the beauty" of such things as blood-red or bright-yellow trees, the smell of burning leaves in the air, kind pensive autumn...

I can't anymore. I guess it's this sense of dead-end and personal inability to create my own space, my own life - the insecurity that comes with this helplessness - in short, i am completely boxed in and I can't lift my head and look above and beyond this tiny stupid human enclosure full of swarming insects. This whole world I am confined to is like a sickness to me - and I am sick with it - I can't see beyond this malady.

The fact that this happens to be the city and my particular spot in that city is perhaps incidental - though the associations have become so ladden that it's hard to see through all the mud. It could just as well be that I would develop approximately the same relationship to my surroundings pretty much anywhere else. I just don't know. But I think I might - because I would still be as helplessly trapped inside my inability to live as I am now. Getting away only works temporarily - after that the same rut sets in. And I'd have to run again.

"I move around a lot ... because things get bad if I stay" - Jack Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces. I fully understand that state. Except that I don't have enough will to break away and just be on the run from things constantly. That's a temporary solution - a way to reconstitute oneself repeatedly despite all that rot inside. Dying a thousand deaths and being reborn and dying again like an insect - I am rather inclined to just stay dead, I guess. Otherwise I would run too - in circles, all over the earth. The mad moth - looking for light, hoping to burn alive.





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