Empty Days

Saturday, October 02, 2004



Some darkish clarity on a rainy afternoon.

For one, I fully realize that I am not going to move anywhere out of this flat of mine until I find a reason to live - rather than a reason to move (i have plenty of those already). For me to go out in the world and scramble for better outfits, it would take a bit more than just whatever unpleasantness from my existing situation. Unpleasantness I always had and will always have - it's not a moving principle, it's a principle of resistence rather than conquest.

Secondly, I can't quite get away with just enjoying myself from time to time (case in point: bike-trips). Perhaps I am all wrong in my relation to life, but I am just one of those people who can't see the point of enjoyment if there's no sense of the totality of life. And I do not have that sense. Therefore all my enjoyments are like clouds that come and go in the sky - without leaving a trace. I need to build something - rather than just carry bricks from place to place because the physical effort is pleasant enough. (guess what: i hate gyms and body-building and healthy-lifestyle and all that pointless enjoy-myself crap)

Deep inside my skeptical-refusing mind I know that I am one of those people who would gladly drag themselves through thorns and mud for the sake of something worthwhile to do - and would enjoy it as well. I guess I am fundamentally an idealist, no matter what I say against high-ideals - I forget all those bruises when I am able to see far ahead. Problem is - nothing to look for. So what do I do, hein?

Personal liberation. No. Because I have all the freedom I could possibly ask for and I don't do zilch with it. So it's not personal liberation - it's a-personal liberation. Right. I don't need that person anymore - hope I get severely suicidal again soon because at least it brings me close enough to that state where I can just drop it all right there.

In the end my idea of this blasted self-realization would be to build something which is also what I understand as "creating life" - and not for myself, because my "self" is not enough of a pharaon to build pyramides for it.

The problem so far has been that I lost a greater sense of things - of something greater than myself - it can be God or the World or whatever - but it is quite obvious that I cannot go on sitting on my ass and pretending I am the queen of the universe or what not. What a joke. However it's been that way for much too long already.

Paradoxically this whole individualistic "I am unique, I am rebel" discourse is not doing it for me at all. I wish I could get out of this rut and see some light beyond my shining ass. The exact opposite of Byronism or Nietzscheanism with their "I am a genius" motto. I do not wish to be a genius, haha, and what's more, I do not wish to be anything specific at all - I'd like to know what I am attached to in the greater scheme of things. So far I've got no clue at all.

I've been careful avoiding blathering christian evangelics with their "Oh I know, I'll show ya Jesus" crap - but the hilarious thing is, what's out there is not very different from that tired line: except it's called different names every time. I can't respond to that. Perhaps I can't respond to nothing at all quite simply.

A-personal.

We'll see how I manage that though.





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