Empty Days

Tuesday, October 26, 2004



Winter as the Tottenkopf.

Lord, I used to love snow and starry nights at -40C. Now the approach of short dark days and long long darkness and nowhere to go - the very thought gets me paranoid. I think I really had too much of a hard time with it in the last couple of years, and I don't see how this winter will be any different - can only get worse, seeing how it goes.

I heard somewhere (or saw in some film) that Hitler was a homeless bum for a few years after the war. Having accumulated enormous reserves of frustration and loathing, he finally decided to become a monster and turn the whole dreaded world upside down - somehow it doesn't seem all that strange.

I will have to find a way out at some point - whatever it will be - as I have clearly reached a critical stage of self-exclusion and must now find a "positive" active form for all this accumulated nonsense.

*

I am still puzzled as to why I was never able to continue my biking-trips after the first one. Seen from afar there doesn't seem to be any clear reason - except for all the vehement loathing towards my surroundings (and my life as such) that I experienced upon return. This vast vision of hopelessness made nonsensical any further attempts to escape that life. It's very hard to put into words, all this - it's something barely conscious. As a matter of fact it does seem sometimes as if the unconscious vision were the one that leads and guides me into some entangled darkness of which I know nothing except that it bears upon me much more than any one of my rational takes on life.

In other words I am literally *condemned* to lie to myself - for not knowing what it is that really directs me.





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