Empty Days

Monday, March 28, 2005



Boot-camp stuff.

After two weeks of full-time biking/running-around - I decided it was no use trying to fool myself. The fact is - I don't want to take so much shit for so little cash. The shit comes from the main dispatcher who is a control freak and thinks I am too slow so he tries to make me go faster by loading me with long-distance calls. In any case, I got so tired after a full week of this nightmarish marathon, that I decided not to go to work today - because it rains and I have no equipment to keep myself dry.

Actually, I tried my best: I put on whatever clothes seemed convenient for rainy weather and set out for work but it immediately proved inadequate - I got all wet and cold after 10 min of riding, and this made me so uncomfortable I nearly got into an accident. So I turned back, went home, and called at work to tell them I am not coming in today. They were cool about it, saying that it's kinda quiet today. I also told them that I decided I didn't want to work full-time at this job - so the understanding is that I will work three days this week and this should give them the time to find somebody to replace me. Basically, I'll be pretty much done with this company by next week when I get my pay.

Basically I feel like I've been through a boot-camp in those two weeks. I was dead-tired every evening and on weekends, falling asleep around 8pm from sheer exhaustion - no kidding. My knees and feet hurt so bad I thought I was never going to walk again. Basically, every time the dispatcher tried to push me over my limits, I'd get too tired in the evening to recuperate and the next day I was without gas altogether. So the natural conclusion from all this is that if I want to continue doing messenging, I should not bike more than 3 days per week and get a proper rest to be in good shape for every 3-day marathon.
But this company only wants full-time bikers - so I guess they will have to disappear from my life.

*

On top of which I am being tortured and martyrized by a violent and desperate desire to move out from this appartment - because there's some sort of house-devil here that obviously wants my death - or something very similar to that description. It's a fucking House of Usher at this point. What tortures me really is that I feel so totally powerless to find any other place in this goddam town I might want to live in. This is because my financial resources are terribly limited and the kind of appartments that are currently available in my price-range are nothing but awful stinking holes, many times worse than the the flat I currently occupy. The very thought of it makes me go up the wall quite literally - it's a sort of unending humiliation. My vision of the situation is so hopeless and repugnant, that I get to cry and rave just from the thought of it.

Basically it's the typical western torture-by-powerlessness - a sort of prison-like situation created by certain social-conditions.

This, by the way, only serves to amplify my general perception of unredeemed solitude and personal powerlessness from which I have no hope of ever breaking out. The image that comes to mind is of a small animal caught in a bag, terrorized and pushing endlessly inside without any chance of escape. Normally this should end with the bag being lowered into a depth of water so that the animal might drown.

When?

*

I think I took this biker job as a way of trying to improve my personal status in my own eyes. So it was just a blind attempt at acquiring some sense of power and capability. But instead it turned out to be yet another grueling run through a thorny row - I don't really need the money that comes with it, it wasn't for money that I got into this in the first place.

Zodiac sign for this period: Desperation.

*

The mental depression I am experiencing is so physical I don't know if it's caused by my situation or just by something being wrong with me body - maybe quitting smoking left too much of a void. Because it wasn't just smoking that I quit, I quit a way of thinking/acting too, I broke some appeasing habits and false-hopes/illusions/mannierisms by letting go of smoking AND internet at the same time.

I broke something, some mould i've been in - the edges are jagged and cutting.

What I can say is that I've been suffering unremittingly for the last month and a half and all my violent gestures and actions are simply a way of trying to shake off this suffering - to run away, to turn away, to get out of this deadly hole I am in.

FUCK - I NEED DRUGS SO BAD!!!!

This is why people are on drugs all over the place - because how else would you relieve such a state of desperation?





/ 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003 / / 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003 / / 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003 / / 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003 / / 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003 / / 11/23/2003 - 11/30/2003 / / 11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003 / / 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003 / / 12/14/2003 - 12/21/2003 / / 12/21/2003 - 12/28/2003 / / 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004 / / 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004 / / 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004 / / 01/18/2004 - 01/25/2004 / / 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004 / / 02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004 / / 02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004 / / 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004 / / 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004 / / 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004 / / 03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004 / / 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004 / / 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004 / / 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004 / / 04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004 / / 04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004 / / 04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004 / / 04/25/2004 - 05/02/2004 / / 05/02/2004 - 05/09/2004 / / 05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004 / / 05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004 / / 05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004 / / 05/30/2004 - 06/06/2004 / / 06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004 / / 06/13/2004 - 06/20/2004 / / 06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004 / / 06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004 / / 07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004 / / 07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004 / / 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004 / / 07/25/2004 - 08/01/2004 / / 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004 / / 08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004 / / 08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004 / / 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004 / / 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004 / / 09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004 / / 09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004 / / 09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004 / / 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004 / / 10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004 / / 10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004 / / 10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004 / / 10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004 / / 10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004 / / 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005 / / 02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005 / / 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005 / / 03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005 / / 03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005 / / 04/03/2005 - 04/10/2005 / / 04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005 / / 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005 / / 04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005 / / 05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005 / / 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005 / / 05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005 / / 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005 / / 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005 / / 06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005 / / 06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005 / / 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005 / / 09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005 / / 09/11/2005 - 09/18/2005 / / 09/18/2005 - 09/25/2005 / / 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005 / / 10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005 / / 10/16/2005 - 10/23/2005 / / 11/13/2005 - 11/20/2005 / / 11/27/2005 - 12/04/2005 /