Empty Days

Friday, March 25, 2005



The great unknown.

So I completed my first 2-week bike messenger experience. Tomorrow is Good Friday and nobody works and neither do bikers. How very fortunate - because I am totally run down and exhausted. Apparently they think I am supposed to rocket back and forth across town as if I were on a diesel-propelled moped. Like hell I am. Yet they get upset that I don't do my calls fast enough. Yet I don't see how I can carry a bunch of fragile gift-bags in my hand and climb a super-steep hill at the same time - because clients give you all sorts of fragile fancy-looking shit and dispatchers just have no clue what sort of calls they're giving out - they only have a street-map in their head minus actual reality out there.

Also, the main dispatch is a real pissant and a drama-queen - he always sounds like he's going to kill himself, upset and pissed and totally green, making scenes on the two-way radio, freaking out, blah... As a result of these nervous exhibitions he sends me out on needless runs and into places where there is either nothing to pick up or no waybill prepared or where nobody knows who ordered what delivery - and then he gets pissed when I call him to talk about these problems, and he gets just as pissed when I don't call. So today I just took it all in stride and was super-calm and obliged his hysterical moods.

One thing though: the weather was just great. I got too hot in my winter jacket but there were gusts of chilly wind here and there, so it's not like I could have done without a coat altogether. But I did get all sweaty and a bit miserable etc.

*

Next Tuesday is pay-day, I believe - so I will have to make a decision as to whether I stay on full-time or ask for part-time or maybe they'll fire me. I am prepared for all of the three eventualities. My preferred option would be part-time but I can stick it out full-time for another little while to get a better idea of what I can or cannot do, or how fast I improve if at all. So far I do a steady 15-17 calls a day - and can't do more, it seems. Considering that most of these calls are barely paid $2 commission, I can't be making more than $30-40 a day which is perfectly ridiculous and does not warrant all the effort.
This is why doing this peanut-job full-time is such a huge waste of time. But part-time it would be just perfect - nowhere as exhausting and I am gonna remain on welfare anyhow.

Speaking of money: I've been spending more than I've been earning, I think. The paradox of being outside a lot is that I am constantly tempted to either have a coffee, or stop at the store by the end of the day and buy some food. Or even the simple fact of having to bring my own lunch - that's just more expense too.
With less active life I always stay home and spend money only rarely.

*

Also, by April 17th I will need to have made a decision as to whether I stay on in this apartment after July or move out. March is the best month to find a new flat because it's the very beginning of appartment-hunting season. In April it already becomes much harder. Not to mention later on.

It is clearly impossible to be looking for an appartment while working full-time and being exhausted in the evenings and weekends. But I would really want to move out of here this year!!!

*

In the end, I just don't know what I need and why I am doing all this. I might as well do something else or not do anything at all. It's all completely meaningless - I am going by the hunch and it's all unclear and unknown to me.

The why of it is unknown.





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