Empty Days

Sunday, March 20, 2005



Poisonous nerves.

After a week between the hammer and a hard place (at the courier office - then neighbours at home) my body is so full of stress and exhaustion I feel like I am a bomb ready to explode.

I seriously don't know how to flush out all this frustrated aggression. Yesterday I went to see my parents and gave them a lot of shit for no good reason at all except that I had to take it out on somebody. I think if I could be sure that my performance at the job is siffucient, my self-esteem would be strengthened and I'd be less affected by my being stuck in this hateful appartment. But maybe not - maybe my self-esteem is so utterly and chronically impaired that no amount of experience can prove it otherwise and give me back any of that peace of mind I long for.

Oh lord, how tired I am - of myself!

*

Notice please: the stress I am getting is not from biking in downtown, from clients, or from taxis and pedestrians. Oh no. The stress I am getting is from the office-people who want me to do things without telling me how. This behavior is caused by office-culture - it's made to work like a machine and people inside it are like little hammers that are made to hit on little keys and then those keys put in motions the wheels of the machine and this motion produces income/profit/cash. So everybody is constantly hammering everybody under them, and those under hit and hammer those still below - and this whole shitty construction is called operational-overhead. The more overhead and managers and hitting and ass-fucking there is, the more stressful the office-culture. This is exactly all the feelings I've experienced at my high-paying office job 5 years ago. I ran from it because it was not worth it for a minute. And here it's the same, except that I am still sustained by the positive vision of biking and being outdoors. So - either I will learn to ignore the office-overhead and make sure they're ok with me so I rarely ever mess with them - or... but there is no other alternative except either being fired or quitting.

*

I hoped the courier job will relieve my depression - the mere bustle and effort of it - but it didn't do nothing of the sort. This depression is clearly related to my self-esteem (or the desperation I feel about my life in general) and the job is only putting more stress on that very point - instead of just letting me bustle and hustle in peace.

So it's official: tremendous amounts of physical exercise do not relieve depression or stress - I exercise all day long like a professional athlete and it doesn't help one bit. But if I were given the chance to feel that I do something well, it would certainly improve things tremendously in my mind. I hoped I could do biking/messenging well - but it involves so much people-overhead and so much communicational-shit, that I am not sure I will ever have a chance to get past it and improve myself at the biking per se.

I ran away from office-culture because it nearly killed me - but apparently even bike-couriers are still too close to those shitty offices and the miasmic world they produce.

FUCK.

GREAT LORD! DELIVER ME FROM OFFICE RATS!





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