Empty Days

Friday, March 18, 2005



Three days later - still alive.

But seriously stressed out. The people at the courier office are pissed that I seem not to know how to use a two-way radio efficiently, they are also pissed that I just don't know the ropes yet and am a slow learner (really? maybe they're crazy). Either way they really gave me a hard time yesterday at the office as a result of which I had a bad mental state in the afternoon with all the huge Thursday traffic in downtown - and I ran down a guy while running down a red-light and avoiding a zillion taxis. I hit the guy on the leg, I then proceeded to fall off my bike in front of a huge crowd of busy spectators from all over the intersection. Holy fuck - it was a humiliating and frustrating moment - and the guy I ran down was super worried about me because I made a spectacular fall while he will only have a bump on his calf from my front wheel. Oh fuck. I didn't hurt myself - but I felt like shit for a while thereafter, and I cried from stress while biking home after that day's work.

But mostly I hate two things at the moment: the manager at the office for being such a prick, and my upstairs neighbour who didn't let me sleep the two previous nights which resulted in me being additionally stressed-out in my first days on the job.

Right now I am still forced to cry when I think about this but it's only a nervous reaction - pure mental stress. I wish I could cry torrents to flush it out but I can't, so I am evacuating some of this shit by writing here.

FUCK.

The first two days there were two different dispatchers working - one was cool, the next one was far less cool. I hustled for calls all the time and was able to make some cash - $50 day 1, $40 day 2. Today I probly made even less. This whole thing depends on your relation with the dispatcher - if he trusts you, you will get all the calls in the world. But first you need to prove yourself. Which is extremely difficult when you don't know zilch about this whole business. Not to mention that I am not in top shape as yet.

Anyhow. I have the feeling they might want to give me another week trial time and then will fire me anyway. It will be hard on my self-esteem, i think. It already is in any case. Which doesn't mean that I can't try it out with some other company afterwards. It's just a question of persistence, I think. And finding the right balance between what I need from the job and what they need from me.

I think there are two things I want: work part-time instead of 5 days a week, and have a good relation with the main office. Neither is available at the moment.

FUCK.

Another thing: I really hate working. It's always the same: waking up in the morning, going to some office, having to take shit from other people's moods beside my own. All this is always the same, it's called "office culture", and I recognized the feeling immediately - that's the one thing that made me quit work altogether 5 years ago.

I hate 9 to 5 and all that shit. And yet couriers are of course bound to this schedule no less than people at the offices. The only difference is that office-people stay in closed spaces all day, while couriers roam around town - from one place to another.

FUCK.

I need more independance. I don't need office people giving me shit. Fuck them. I want to learn efficient biking though. After that I can concentrate on communication. I really hate dealing with other people's moods. I have a self-esteem problem. I do my best but it never seems good enough. I want to kill myself in any case and this is nothing knew. It's a very lonely job and I don't feel like I belong with all those goddam "cool" messengers in there - I don't want to be cool, I just want to bike all day long and have some peace of mind!!!! more than money for sure.

In a way I hope I will be run down by a car. FUCK THOSE OFFICE RATS ANYHOW.

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.





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