Empty Days

Monday, March 28, 2005



Yesterday, while looking for some clothes to wear in rainy weather, I found a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of an old jacket - with one very dry cigarette inside. I smoked half of it yesterday and the other half today - with no good result. Either the nicotine got all dried out from it, or my brain got misadapted from nicotine-intake, but there was no pleasant (nasty!) heavy-feeling in the head or whatever effect at all.

So much for smoking.

I've been feeling like I want to cry all the time for the last few weeks. It's a sort of slow nervous-breakdown/burn-out that I am having, I think - not the kind when everything gets flushed and you get to cry uncontrollably. But it's like a preliminary stage for just such a state: "on the verge of collapse".

*

While in downtown the other day I visited the place where I tried to buy cyanide last spring. I can still buy it there if I really want to - it's available.





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