Empty Days

Saturday, May 14, 2005



Beauty and the beast.

Grey hushed morning - early rain. I had to go give a blood sample before 7am and used my garbage bike to do so. The ride was not unpleasant on account of this being saturday and large streets being deserted at such an early hour. It's a bit too cold though for this time of the year.

*

I am like a kodak film gone bad: can't record the rich colors of the world, everything gets mangled and loses depth. In other words, I can't see - I am perpetually looking at a painted screen, suffering from its shallow senselessness, losing all hope to ever see through again or even to taste any of life.

This is what I mean by "losing a sense of perspective", emotional and imagined before all things.

*

It's not mysterious but it is one of those things really hard to express and describe - but it's very real and I still remember the time when it was not so. I think what made the difference is that I still saw myself as an ascending member of humanity, with some potential and thus some power to open up the world. I was "connected" - behind every given landscape I saw (or sensed) a wooing succession of other landscapes to which I had access through my connections among people and their affection and esteem of me - both past and present - the warm blood of childhood still circulated in my veins unempeached. I never thought I might lose that depth of power in the world. But I did. And with it the world became a very small place to which I suddenly had barely any access (or right) at all.

The reason I can't see any life or beauty in all the bloom and color and zest around me is because there's nothing behind - it's completely flat and foreign and I can't enter - I am not welcome.

*

Maybe I should re-read Nietzsche - it was he who said that all of Nature is nothing but the reflection of the onlooker - a romantically existential variation of the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" quip.





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