Empty Days

Sunday, May 29, 2005



The end of times - mine simply.

Summer is finally here - it seems. The early ride to the clinic for that very last blood sample was really very pleasant: I passed through lush green neighbourhoods of rich people with their wonderful blossoming gardens and flower-beds. I suppose one can buy oneself a pretty cushy existence even in this rabid urban world - if only one knows how to earn lots and lots of cash (which, to my mind, takes out all the sense from such an achievement).

*

My brother sent me a panicked e-mail, saying he doesn't want to sublet my flat anymore. This has already happened several time so that I finally requested that he writes me a cheque for 3-month rent - which he did. So I guess it's too late for worries. Or rather it shows how extremely infantile he still is, especially when confronted with family relations.

On the other hand, I pretty much knew it would be like that and should have looked for an independent subleter despite my mother pushing for this whole arrangement: she always defends my brother even though it clearly goes against the very evidence of his behavior. But I gave in and thought it would be easier that way - so it's my fault too in a sense, that I let myself be persuaded and tempted by something so flimsy and unreliable.

I've always had a bit of a hard time giving any consideration to my bro - perhaps because I am not very affectionate or maternal or because he simply does not command respect in any way. I think he believes I always try to put him down intellectually - and if this is true, then I am doing it unconsciously - or maybe it's just the way forces have been arranged in our family and nothing can unlodge me or any of us in relation to each other from the mythical places we came to occupy in the family quadrangle.

*

Since my suicidal crisis last spring and especially after my bike-trip came to such an end of shocking desillusionment, it is as if I've lost all bearings in my own self - I don't know where to turn anymore and the world does feel like a such an utterly small and hopeless place - this is to the measure of how much my soul has shrinken. As a result I've been spending increasingly more time with my family, simply because I have nowhere else to turn anymore inside myself.

The emptiness has gained still more ground. What will it be later on...





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