Empty Days

Monday, May 30, 2005



Family feuds.

Again! - a huge huge quarrel at my parents' - this time with my father jumping at my throat from overhearing something I was discussing with my mom after viewing old photographs of my father's family - then I turning back on him in a highly uncharacteristic scathing tone - even my usually mild subdued voice changed to a high-priestess pitch of utter contempt and anger (to my own surprise) - all in all I completely put him down this time which is a rare achievement as my father is one of the biggest and shrilliest bigots on the planet.

I've been quarrelling with my father all year long pretty much despite myself - it just keeps happening for no reason at all almost every time I go there. I think I am really fed up with some of his attitudes and it's just time I put him in his place once and for all. Otherwise I don't know what's going on. But it does look very much like some sort of underground power-struggle in the family that is happening despite everyone's reason or rational desire.

Tectonic plaques are moving.

*

And btw - my brother categorically refused to move to my flat and said I can keep the cheque. Reason given: after having seen my flat several times he now hates it almost as much as he hates my cat. But the real reason is: he suddenly decided he can very well live in the same place as my father and ignore him completely without my mother to serve as a buffer-zone between these two- so there is no more need to move.

This leaves me with the very bad and awful prospect of leaving my cat utterly alone for 3 MONTHS - with both my father and brother going there once a day to feed him and change litter... The cat will go crazy from loneliness, there is just no question about that. So now I am frantically looking for somebody to fill the void and take the flat for a fraction of a price but to keep company to the cat... I leave in a WEEK - I will never have time to find anyone unless I am exceptionally lucky.

My father said he might have to move to my place in the end to spare the cat. Which comes down to my brother effectively pushing my father out of the family flat - it's like a psychological chess-combination in a way, a sly move, pretty ugly and ruthless in the end.

All this is so NOT a new scenario...

*

Oh, and I should mention my mother who often cries from witnessing all this going on - but she's a bitch too in her own way. Even though it's a great sin to so talk of one's genetrix... But I'll take the blame and there is still some clear thruth in this sin.

I love my family folk - I also hate them in a way - and I forgive, myself included.





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