Empty Days

Wednesday, May 18, 2005



Fears.

I am feeling paranoid about my trip to Russia - or more specifically about my cousin who will have to endure my presence for two months. The problem is: we haven't seen each other since 1994 and communication has remained sketchy at best. All the nice memories and actual friendship go back to my early teenhood and her youth - they're really very much out of date. And things have changed. Life in Russia changed terrifically, it became savage and merciless, and people had to adapt so as to survive. People have become brittle and their nervous systems are fragile and unpredictable. My own life has gone so very much downwards that I wonder whether my sight will be a shock or a mere disagreement. I am full of asocial habits and behaviors that I am not even aware of until I find myself in close quarters with others.

And so on and so forth. I have valid grounds to feel paranoid.

The only solution I can think of to stave off a possible disaster, is to keep faith and an unfalteringly loving and forgiving attitude even if insuperable circumstances present themselves. It is easier said than done - those we trust most are the ones who can wound the deepest.

*

Another possibility is that my cousin's 17-year old son might hate my guts once I am there, which will be our first meeting since he was a small kid. These things can't be controlled and I'll be hogging some of his living-space - I hope he's more tolerant than I myself was at that age :-/

*

I am also scared of meeting other people from my deep past. Shit - I've changed a lot, and for the worst. But I am not expecting much welcome in any case, so I guess I'll survive any impression I might produce out there.

Of course my biggest weakness is my lack of practice at social life - it means that I lack manners on one hand and that I am fairly constrained and awkward in social interaction, for example in all the flirty sexual situations. I avoid asserting myself in front of people because that would be an imposture given the kind of avoiding-life I actually live out here. It's a very special life, a life of social-and-sexual failure - an anomaly by most standards. Therefore in my case there are only two ways of presenting myself: self-effacing, remote, and toning down, or eccentric and defiantly theatrical. I think I'll naturally go with the first.
And I'll need to be very humble to deflect contempt which is the very natural social reaction to preceived failure.

Already my mother is suffering agonies at the very thought that she might witness other people reacting to me in that way, with uncontrolled social arrogance that is - which is why I decided to avoid her in Moscow as much as possible, but I won't be able to be on my own in Ukraine where her sisters live, so I guess I can't alleviate her shame of me after all. That's what one might call "reverse moral support" (it's when you need it and yet end up providing it to the expected supporter :).

I will probably need to buy a brand new pair of jeans just to spare my mother's nerves out there - and perhaps my own nerves too. Russia is a very judgeamental country.

*

And finally there is the physical health aspect that's starting to worry me for real. It's not very noble as a topic but I might actually die from it at some point, so I guess anything life-threatening should be ennobled on the spot and cleared of its dubious mundane status in ordinary conversation. In short, I am now aware that my ongoing piles problem is being caused by a pretty tremendous tumor growth in the rectum that has occured roughly after I quit smoking in late february. It was also a time of severe stress for me from upstairs neighbours with their noise. I figure that smoking served as an anti-stress agent on the body level, so once I got deprived of nicotine, all my existing tumors (and I know for a fact that I have a few) went amock and now I am in danger of developping both colon and breast cancer unless I have it already and just don't know those cysts and growths are malignant. I just hope that it will not catch with me while I am travelling. That's how cancer finally announces itself: one fine day you just feel your energy is gone and you can't do anything. "Hello world", you say, and you die a few months or a few years later. But before that happens I still don't know how I'll manage this horrid hemorroids problem - the tumor won't grow smaller, that's for sure. Eat only light highly digestible food and never cause any build-up in the colon so as not to supplement the effect of the tumor? That would be the only non-medical solution and I am not sure I can count on it because of a fairly bad digestion due to stress and anxiety. But I can't walk very far nowdays unless my stomach with its many kilometers of intestines is as good as empty - so yeah, this sounds like the only way out.

Fast and pray and be light of heart and body. Right - that might be my last trip anywhere in any case.





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