Empty Days

Saturday, May 21, 2005



Leaving for Toronto shortly. The cat will be left alone a lot this week - I will be back only for a day and then will enter the last portion of the clinical trial. Poor beast. He has no clue what's going on or why I am disappearing so often. My brother will probably hate him out of fear or immaturity or both - however I still expect that he will treat the cat decently if not lovingly.

*

Couldn't sleep much these past two nights. Unexplained anxiety, wake up around 2am, can't go back to sleep until 5-6am, don't know why.

The only remotely probable cause seems to be the upcoming trip and some deeply unconscious worry I have about it - rationally speaking I am not at all worried, but my own mind is hiding from me, it seems.

*

The atmosphere in the family is unpleasant. My mother is too openly disgusted with me and uncontrollably terrified of the impression I will make in her presence "once we're there" - it's really hard to take. The curious thing is that she both tries to humiliate me over this and yet expects compassion for her resulting fears and worries. She obviously imagines I am the problem and her attitude is justified. My mother is not too intelligent in these things, kinda narrow-minded. She's the regular bourgeois of the family (my brother takes after her for lack of better).
I think she vaguely understands that this may not be all my fault, that maybe there is room for some tolerance here, but she can't change her outlook and keeps re-acting as above.

I have to overcome all this psycho-pressure and be tolerant of her intolerance. This is only possible with some aloofness. Yet this aloofness itself causes my mother to wince at me as if I were betraying her friendship or something.

One thing I've noticed: parents are so rabidly and uncontrollably judgeamental of their children, it's a miracle the children still go on loving such ruthless judges :-/
I am not nearly as judgeamental of my parents for all their failures and many shortcomings in life, not to mention the many ways they screwed up my own existence by extension. I take them as they are and I don't expect them to change for the better - and when I criticize them to their face out of various upsets, at least I understand that I am causing some needless pain. But parents criticize their children without this understanding: they're actually convinced they're doing it for their children's own good. What strange unconsciousness.





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