Empty Days

Saturday, May 07, 2005



Still here.

And still nervous and stressed :-/

I didn't make the big clinical trial, so I am entering a smaller one that will only pay a thousand bucks. In the meantime I've been trying to sublet my appartment-with-cat to my brother who is very unreliable but he's still family etc. I cleaned up a bit and it's all very empty and shining at the moment, totally disgusting to be in, but I hate this appartment in any case and now that the weather is starting to feel like summer I realized that I can't use the balcony: in the absence of the tree, the place is just way too ugly and barren. So the sooner I am out here the better. Departure in the first week of June ticket in pocket, return in early September.

*

I hope this trip will really clear my mind for once - I do need to forget a lot of crap I've been living with here. In fact, ever since I first became intensely suicidal in early 2004, I've been experiencing something like a complete loss of ideals and perspective - and all my thoughts and actions since that time were meant to break that trend one way or another. I tried violence and acting against my fears, which is also a manner of violence against oneself. I tried acting out my will no matter how illogical so as to free myself from whatever mental trap. But in the end nothing worked. I am still on the same track to nowhere and losing pressure in the cabin, so to speak. So now I am going to Russia and that too is just one more desperate gesture: seeking something to start me up from the outside or something to cling to and start rebuilding some inner order.

*

I am so terrifically stressed (or is it anxious?) for no specific reason that I developped a pretty bad hemorroids problem - which is one bitch of an ennoying pain-in-the-ass (now we know what the term refers to!). I don't know what is more/less unmentionable: this or veneral deseases, which I am blessed not to have. One fine day I might have to meditate on colon cancer too, but for now it's just lowly anal-tension phenomenon and I am all with Freud on that subject: I have to discover the source of anxiety first, and then relieve nervousness associated with it. Then the ass will resolve itself as well. That's how it works - who needs a proctologist :-/

But that's the whole damn point: I can't get rid of nervousness as long as I am here trying to collect some moneys for that trip to Russia. It is my learned opinion that I won't see any relief until I finally cross the Atlantic and forget all about Canada for three months. Until then I will have to wake up every damn morning with a knife under my neck (at least that's how this anxiety feels) and endure the pain-in-the-ass that comes as a bonus.

Oh shit.

*

I feel a strong desire for friendship and acceptance. At the same time I know full well that it can't happen unless I stop hating myself and my life/the world. The whole suffering of my life consists in this struggle between self-hate and a need for simple affection - that I might both accept and provide. Holy shit! I wish I were a warm generous person, happy to welcome people and give them hospitality. Fucking crap - this is so not me!

*

A russian under-the-rock philosopher and a dubious human being, Vasili Rozanov, wrote something true:

"We are born for love.
And in as much as we do not accomplish love, we languish in the world.
And in as much as we have not accomplished love, we shall be punished in the other world."


Fucking true, no? The alternative is something like money-making - which is dead shit for all I know. Sounds familiar, right. That's what our whole world is built around: making money.

Dead shit.





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