Empty Days

Sunday, May 08, 2005



Wacky mysteries.

I think I know where my mysterious anxiety really comes from: it's not about money for the trip to Russia, it's the fact that I am going there with my mother... I told her from the start that I won't be seeing much of her there, but she's been acting up about this ever since.

I wish she wasn't in my way on this occasion, with her judgeamental attitudes and little tricks to control me - in fact ever since my infancy she's always been a real bully towards me without ever realizing what she was doing - she thinks it's just the way things should be between mother and daughter - and up to this day I have to deal with all this unsaid oppression, and I can't just shake it all off and ignore the damn thing. It's really too deeply engrained in my psyche, all these reflexes and reactions to my mother's unconscious power-games - I am like her marionette emotionally, all she needs to do is to pull a string and I am shot with some mysterious reflexive pain and I can't stop it even in my sleep.

It's all completely subconscious and thus unmentionable. I even have had repeated evidence that my mother's mood directly affects my nervous state - telepathically, without our meeting even (I know it sounds wacky, but it's an actual observation I made). It is said that people and other living creatures when they live together in the same place impact on each other symbiotically in the most physical ways - dogs start to resemble their masters and vice-versa. But the same must be true of people who are kept entangled in a life-long relationship. In other words, I don't have enough of a life of my own to shield me from my mother's intense influence and thinking about me - it gets at me on the subconscious side, outside of space/time limitations. Karl Jung would be damn happy to hear this: it'd prove his theories once more.

What it means is that my mother's irrational will is more effective and stronger than mine, and she bends me just by the force of her thoughts about me - I don't even need to talk to her or see her to feel her influence inside my body.

Is this wacky enough yet? But it's true and real - and I don't know why it is this way and what I am supposed to do about this mess. It's all unconcious. Maybe my mother is a witch or has the powers of a witch or something similar - and doesn't know about it - so I can't really blame her. But how am I to protect myself? The reason I am so vulnerable to her regarding this trip to Russia is because this directly concerns my childhood there - it's a common ground of contention between my mother and me - and there's is no question that she's long won the battle on that ground and that my childhood has been under her control entirely. The unconscious struggle here is that my parents effectively block my relationship towards the russian-world and my past as a whole - they're like monstruous dogs guarding the gates of a forbidden kingdom - and I can't enter this land without breaking their rule and doing symbolic violence to them as figures of control.

I am anxious because I have to "kill" my mother over this. I have to overpower her inside my mind - and put her in her place. But she's bending me and I can't lift a finger.

It's all completely insane.

*

Today I biked all over town at high speeds like crazy - because I had so much anxiety boiling in my body I didn't know what to do with myself. I feel a little less nervous now but not by much - still very tense, unable to concentrate, out of control, scared of something (I wish I knew what *exactly*).

Perhaps it's just my imagination re my mother - maybe it's about something else, I just can't tell for sure.

I didn't bike aimlessly - I went to used bookshops looking for something to read in the clinic during the week. My first choice was Quentin Crisp's "The Naked Civil Servant" (suggested by a reader of this blog) but I couldn't find it at first and bought DeQuincy's "Confessions of an Opium Eater" which has long been on my mental list of books to read. I hope I will calm down enough to be able to read these two books before I leave.

*

No, I think the fabulation about my mother is just an explanatory trick - the source of this painful anxiety is more global. It is the same anxiety I started feeling early this year - and it has something to do with a sense of dead-end in life and having no future and no power to turn things around. Perhaps I am just terrifically depressed and don't even know it - as with all deeper things, it comes in strange unclear forms but it comes right from the bottom.

All I know is that it hurts and makes me pretty ineffectual. I wake up many times a night and can't go back to sleep. I can't pull myself together. I am being agressive with people and disproportionate in my reactions to things. What the fuck is going on??

*

Last attempt at explanation: maybe I am made to prefigure some bad things that will happen and that I don't know about yet. The fear can be due to my worrying about being caught as a fraud by social security - then I won't be having any security at all, so I am worried for a reason. Or perhaps I am sensing that my father will die while I am away in another country or something of the sort.

I just don't know. What on earth am I so terribly anxious about? My whole body hurts and I can't do anything - what the fuck is that.... :-0





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