Empty Days

Sunday, June 05, 2005



Familiar shit.

Another crisis at my parents' - and my brother once again reversed his decision and announced he will move to my place after all (that after the ad for sublet appeared in the local paper and people started to call). Reason unstated: he really can't stand my father. Reason stated: I asked a lower rent in the ad than I took from him.

My father has been trying to get back at me by launching his usual "I am the righteous judge" attacks in the middle of my pseudo-quarrels with my brother or my mom. What a bad idea - he just doesn't understand how much hate this provokes - not from me, paradoxically, but from my brother. And how much sorrow this causes to my mom. Yet he thinks that he's in the right and everybody else is just blind and sinful. Very familiar shit unfortunately. He thinks it's about our morals and thus his anger is holy, while it's actually about his place in the family and his utter humiliation (self-provoked).

I've always been at the center of all this shit, as long as I can remember myself even. The reason is that I am made to play a pivotal role - all those conflicting hostile currents are thrown at me and I am supposed to absorb everyone's anger and distribute energy amongst non-communicating family members. Holy shit - I've been playing that part for so long it's become the most familiar thing. I can't be relieved of that ugly duty, it seems. Fortunately I am not the only child and my brother has born some of that burden as well, but he always knew he was essentially free to walk away at any moment and he certainly always used that right. He's unconcerned by the so-called "love of the family" - which means that he can hate freely and ignore whoever he pleases.

Clearly the only escape from all this would be a fully independent life with one's own circle of friends and relationships. Sadly, I never had the guts to break away from this family morass and I drag this chain along like some perennial curse. I am perpetually on family-duty - the walking garbage-bin of everbody's inner shit.

But I bear this burden lightly - I was raised for it.





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