Empty Days

Friday, June 03, 2005



Shifting sands.

Every day something changes. Small unavoidable steps towards departure. Yet I still keep waking up with a huge pang of anxiety ripping through my body - I still don't know what it is. It's clearly some sort of fear I have. I've been waking up very early, between 5-6am, all this time because of this full-body anxiety. It leaves me alone during the day and when my mind is busy with something, but it never fails to gather again while I am sleeping. Can't get more subconscious than that, I say.

*

This is why a sense of security is so important to most people - because it prevents this kind of pretty much physical suffering. Psychological and mental suffering is in fact a form of physical torture because it is felt in the whole body rather than simply "in thoughts" - except that it is effected from the inside of one's own body instead of from outside. Admittedly it's not as bloody and violent. However, when it's strong enough and has been going on for a while, you can very well get a heart attack from it or develop cancer or be otherwise somatically damaged in a bad way.

Emotions and unconscious thoughts are very physical. It is "rational thoughts" that are not. Curiously enough however: the less physical an inner phenomenon, the less real importance it carries for one's psyche. By which I obviously mean that all those aetherial "rational thoughts" are really of very little value - whilst we necessarily imagine it to be otherwise.

This permanent delusion is at the heart of our culture and cannot be uprooted.





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