Empty Days

Sunday, June 05, 2005



This is too much.

Woke up at 4am with a properly raging anxiety, pain and worry throbbing in my heart. Totally out of control, disproportionate. It doesn't come from me or my thoughts - completely unexplainable by anything within my own life - it's something else. Given my father's extreme anger and likely suicidal suffering against me last night (such was his reaction in the past) I attribute this inner storm to his "vibes". The only thing that is entirely beyond me is why I am suddenly catching his stuff to such an extent.

I may be wrong, of course. Maybe it's something or somebody else. However there is just no way this outrageous anxiety could be a result of my own feelings or thought-processes. This mega-worry is being put inside me - either by the premonition of future events or from disturbances in those oriented towards me emotionally.

Maybe my father will kill himself this summer and is telling me in this secret way - and I am actually hearing him. Maybe he will die naturally and the God and Master of our lives and deaths is sending warnings to both of us... I have to guess and poke at random and I might be completely wrong and fabulating.

Wacky me.
I'd rather be called wacky than find out later on that I was right :-/

*

Or maybe this: if it does come from me after all, then I am seriously disturbed and neurotic and maybe even schizophrenic. Because there is no trace of connection I can detect in my mind and this is a plain case of a madman not aware of his madness.

I'd rather be wacky, by far.

*

Ok, maybe it's the sense of approaching departure - every day gets me closer. If it gets worse in the next couple of days then it's my own stuff - and I am indeed mad and unconscious of some serious shit withing myself.





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