Empty Days

Wednesday, September 21, 2005



Drrr-dddrrr-drrdrr...

>>> I am in a chattering mood as I finally feel some relief from this hellish frustration I've been caught up in for some time now. I guess there is a breaking point for everything.

>>> Instead of praying at all times, I installed anti-virus NOD32 software on my puter and it immediately found trojans, worms and damaged archives and it's been checking everything downloaded from the net ever since - which slows down my connection but it's better than to have issues with such shit. I saw the effects of a violently active trojan on an unprotected PC in Russia, it was ugly - and fairly impossible to clean out when it's already in full swing.

>>> Discovered some cockroaches in the kitchen. Never used to have any. The last preventive extermination was at least 5 years ago - so - I wasn't terribly surprised.

>>> Went surfing other people's blogs. For some reason I like everything I read even when it's frankly silly. What pains me though are cancer-blogs - from people who are down with this deadly desease and are acting like it's a glitch in a perfectly fine picture and soon all will be well again. Is death so unimportant? Or maybe there is no language left to express its meaning - because it doesn't fit with the rest of the fine picture. But don't I know this when I simply ignore other people dying - by accepting their death in indifferent submission and forgetfulness? I saw my oldest aunt this summer, she died a month later, it never mattered.

>>> I found one bike in the last few weeks and my father found two. There are currently 5 garbage bikes in the storage, 2 bikes at my place, and 1 is being used by my brother. But they all need work and I am way too lazy and uninspired at the moment to do anything.

>>> There is nowhere to go - except mingle with this world as it exists and assume its talk and gestures. But I am so utterly narrow-minded, I can't see any form that would suit me or that I might be suited for. There is not enough force and inner reasons to escape completely - or really go looking for something else out there. I am made in this way. Perhaps I will need to go completely undone before I get to see some light.

>>> I let my cat out a lot as it has been locked up in an appartment all summer long - now it wants to go out even at 3am in the morning or when it rains. I feel I owe some freedom to my cat. It looks much happier and more energetic ever since it moved back to my place. But this has its dangers: recently I found it stuck on a neighbour's balcony and I have no clue how he got there - he's so fat and clumsy! Perhaps the neighbour put it there? I don't like that idea.

>>> Many are called and few are chosen. Granted. But what about those who are not even called?

>>> What I like in the stories about various holy men and suchlike is their unfaltering good cheer and humour. Loads of seriousness and pompous words won't cut it - that's not the material true wisdom is made of. In fact, all signs of arrogance and conceit speak against whatever "goodness" is being preached. In Russia I saw plenty of folks go around dressed "humbly" (head-scarfs and long skirts for women, old-prophet beards for men) and talking churchy language ("brother", "sister" etc) but it all seemed a tad overdone. To say the least. Perhaps this can help some in their efforts to achieve whatever measure of inner perfection but for the most part it's just theatrics taken too seriously. Language is a worse culprit than dress however - it replaces and covers-up both feeling and thought.

>>> To be taken seriously one needs to assume airs of self-importance.

>>> I met no new people in Russia and made no new friends. In fact I even lost some - like the relationship I had with my cousin went all to pieces. Some people tried to make a connection and were very generous about it but it didn't stick with me. Nothing sticks with me. This is very telling of my general condition and standing in life - or the complete absence thereof.





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