Empty Days

Friday, September 09, 2005



On being alone.

I don't know the first thing about faith and I don't know the first thing about prayer.

Also, I could never understand how one could possibly ask forgiveness of God if - firstly - one knew nothing of God except a bunch of grand words, and - secondly - felt no inclination for such asking or understanding as to what effect it could have.

Well, I guess I was right in not understanding.

And the many sermons I kept hearing regarding one's duty to get rid of pride and thus make yourself available for such forgiveness from this completely unknown entity - well, these sermons were infuriatingly useless and ennoying - not of any help in despair.

If you're dumb like this - and I suspect the vast majority of people are about as dumb and worse - the only way you gonna get a glimpse of light on this whole subject is by getting it directly from above inside your mind and your heart. No other admonitions will do any good.

Yes, you're helpless in these things - you can't possibly want what you don't even know exists. And we hardly even believe that an invisible world exists, and even when we have such beliefs we still have pretty much no idea - or very strange and vague ideas - as to what it consists of. We are perpetual fools of the invisible world and everything that comes from it usually comes as a complete surprise. "Oh really?' - and we thought we were alone out here.

So how can you ask for anything in an empty room - from whom will you ask? - unless you finally feel that there is a door somewhere, and somebody is there who bids you...

Wordly despair is the first step to helplessness - the next step is the revelation of these unfathomable realms. I don't know what comes after that. Helplessness seems to be the key.

***

When I just started reading the desert fathers I was impressed by what I read - and I wanted to know how to pray. But I couldn't really pray and I felt no inclination to ask for forgiveness. One night I suddenly woke up before dawn and before my mind started thinking I felt some sort of praying exude from my heart and words and feeling of regret came out of their own, like a sort of tiny brook spurting out from hard rock.
But when my mind cleared, it started thinking, and this thinking supressed both the feeling and the prayer.

And I don't know how to make myself pray that way again.





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