Empty Days

Friday, September 30, 2005



Whatever.

To lay off a bit of the whole religious discourse - which still means finding a direction in life and not just joggle around with ideas and fears - in any case it won't get solved just sitting in front of a computer day and night for weeks on end in a kind of unending dead-end stupor - for there is simply nothing better to do as ever and ever - and it's the same place all over again.

I might do bike-messenging again if this latest bike-from-garbage doesn't die on me but the fact that i even have a functioning bike now to start from is already a gift from an unknown direction. Which is uncanny because I would have been way too passive to get myself a bike - if it didn't just fall into my lap right away.
And the reason I am thinking of messenging again is simply because that's one job I actually liked doing. Hasn't happened to me in years. It's hard and it's not even a real job because it doesn't provide insurance and not nearly enough money to survive - and perhaps this is the attraction to me, that it's not about money at all. And the weather is nice.

Another idea is to find some sort of a job in a small town way up north. Canada is a huge place. It's wild. I should finally realize how immensely lucky I am that I ended up in this country and not somewhere small, crowded and hopelessly sophisticated (could that be Europe?). I should make use of this fact before I die.
Welfare is announcing a series of reforms, they want to help people find jobs across the province and not just in big cities. Perhaps this will coincide with my personal drive to escape the city. I certainly hope so.

*

When I think of the only two things that touched me recently as opposed to the so very many that only skimmed the surface and didn't even leave a mark - the similarity of feeling is uncanny. There were my two voyages: one to the wilds of nature, another to russia - and in both cases it was the same type of experience, unexpected in every way, because i didn't know what it was.

First there was the experience of humanless nature in all its splendor - being alone in the face of such immense beauty and utter LIFE - it was shattering and I cried both from joy and pain, and clearly much more from pain because mixed with it was the consciousness that I was so hopelessly removed and prevented from it - and unworthy of it by my own lack of life and cowardice.
I still don't know what it was exactly and how to express this huge impression and how it struck me.

Then - for pete's sake - how was I to know that this same huge pain and regret for life would meet me at the lithurgical communion in the russian churches? There too I felt that same mysterious breath of LIFE and it shattered me into tears every single time, so very much beyond my consciousness and whatever I was thinking - it was the same source and the same feeling.
And here too I don't know what it was really. I just don't know. As all trees and grass and animals and skies stood united together in nature - the face of life - so did these people stand together in union and something was among them - the breath of life. But I don't know what it was in either case. These are poor explanations.

That's what I should look for - but I obviously don't quite know where to look for it - since every time I am faced with LIFE it comes unexpected and I didn't know it would be there.

All I can say is that it was the same experience in both cases - despite the seeming extreme dissimilarity of setting. And this is obviously the one most important thing to me because nothing else - absolutely nothing else in the world - touches me that much or that deeply.

Yet, at the very same time, I don't even know for sure what it is I am talking about here.

*

My life is a wreck, it's quite obvious now once you start descending from mid-30's into the 40's and so on - there are no second chances inside physical or/and social time. However - perhaps it's a good thing that it has been such a waste. I have far less to lose now since I already lost almost everything one can lose, including dignity and ambitions. If today I decided to leave behind all material possessions, all security, all fear - perhaps I stand a chance of actually doing it - and not look back.





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