Empty Days

Thursday, April 07, 2005



Today was so different from yesterday it seems like a month has gone by. Sunny, warm, spring-like, future-oriented yesterday - and cold, grey, rainy, mushy-meditative today. Not only my mood but all my plans and feelings seem to have changed in just one day :-/

*

I also realized I just missed the best period for finding cheap appartments - again! Now all the expensive over-priced crap is showing up in the listings, and this has something to do with the fact that most leases start in July and when people leave/move landlords hike prices en mass and without restraint. Why is it that July prices are so much higher than those starting April or May? I have no other explanations, but it's an observable fact-of-life.

I am not sure I will be able to move out of this flat and get rid of the lease - what a fucking trap...

*

I got my cheque for 9 days of messenger work - $400. An average of $40 per day. It certainly is a ridiculous job. The effort is entirely disproportionate to pay.




More death.

People keep dying - some familiar names, my parents' generation. I suppose that's what it is, a matter of generations, it's just their time to die off.

There is something distinctly vegetative-like about human life - even though animals are different from plants, still the cycles of life are most striking and obvious in vegetation.

Dead leafs and that's that.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005



Gorgeous spring day.

I am looking for another appartment, not knowing whether I will find anything at all, or where I would end up with this. Most of life is a gamble anyway, entirely outside of one's control or comprehension.
It's like in fairy-tales: things occur and there are strange and portentious meetings and events.

The tree-of-life was cut down, there is an emptiness inside and outside, and even if I see this as some sort of carmic punishment for my own destructive actions against this environment - still, what is one supposed to do with punishment, carmic or otherwise? enjoy it? pretend it's supposed to be that way? hardly. So it is a punishment and a retribution and what not. And I want to get out of this mess.

I feel completely trapped inside some dead-end and I am trying to get out - but my attempts are blind and if I am attempting anything at all, it's only because I really have no choice. Such inner blindness is a sine-qua-non condition of being trapped.





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