Empty Days

Monday, April 25, 2005



Bits and pieces.

Extremely hectic lately. Still doing some courier work - they call me in the morning, I jump up and go biking. Which is just fine, because I can always refuse as well. But mostly trying to enter a clinical trial since this is my only chance to at least get enough cash for the plane ticket.

Been offered a chance for a monster of a clinical trial which will pay $4000 for about three weeks of stay in the clinic with a tube down my noise - so they may measure acidity in my stomach. If I make this horrid trial, I know for sure that it will be something very close to mental and physical torture - but where else and how would I get that much money in so little time? In a way I hope that I don't make it, and at the same time I will probably tough it out if I have to.

I called my cousin in Moscow the other day, she said it was like talking to someone from the other side of the grave. That's pretty much how I feel about this whole trip to Russia too - it's like going to some parallel world in another dimension and the purely financial and practical difficulty of actually getting there only confirms this impression. What adds to it, is that I have a lot of affinity with my cousin, a sort of instant mutual understanding, and maybe that's how people feel when they die: finally reaching some place where all questions and incomprehensions of life disappear.

I feel very nervous. Because I will be defrauding the welfare system for months on end by being absent from the country and still getting my check. Ouch. I am already defrauding it by working as a bike courier - not to mention those blasted clinical trials. Perhaps I should be ashamed of myself and feel guilty, but I am not because I've been miserable for too many years already - and if welfare is there to make people survive in misery, then I was certainly an examplary welfare-recepient for most of the time so far. I leave it in the hands of God to decide whether I get caught or not over this.

But mostly I am nervous because things are starting to move around and inside me, and I won't be able to continue in my little half-dead routine after that. That's what I am nervous about - the unknown and the necessity to move and act inside the unknown.





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