Empty Days

Monday, June 06, 2005



Too hot to think. Everything is packed and ready to go. Nothing else but to wait.

Tomorrow.

It's a truly historic trip for me.




The usual before the unusual.

Another major scene at my parents' last night. This time it was my father who decided to grab the occasion and fuck everybody up just for the sake of it. Too long to explain and not really worth it.

Tomorrow I am gone from here and I am already starting to feel some relief. Must be premature - the day is still young.

My hemorroids problem seems to be getting worse, which is to say the tumor in the ass is growing instead of shrinking. Not exactly surprising but at some point this progression will certainly interfere with my life in a spectacular way. It's less of a problem when I am biking than when I am walking. I guess I will miss my bike a lot in Russia. I just hope I won't have to sit home at my cousin's and not be able to go anywhere.

*

It's really nice to go somewhere where people want you and expect you. Which is one reason friends and relatives are important. Outside of these few sympathies and various blood ties the whole world could care less about one's existence. It's an empty place. When one is full of energy and zest, it seems easy to fill the desert with one's own vitality. Which is why young people are usually so optimistic about taking on the world. Things change gradually - there is less and less energy and more and more wounds from life. And that's when one realizes how important those human ties are and how not so easy it is to find real sympathy amongst countless strangers.

Sunday, June 05, 2005



I am sitting here writing down various thoughts because I am plagued by a paralyzing worry and I don't know how to shake it off. I can't do anything in this nervous state - things fall out from my hands, I can't think straight.

Fucking shit!!! What IS this??




I can very well decide tomorrow that there is no god or anything beyond the visible and it's all a pile of crap and all I need to do is bravely to follow my intellect. This decision has been made by quite a lot of people already. Are they better off or wiser for it? Perhaps they have less to worry about on the whole.




I took out an old telephone notebook I used to have in my early twenties - to bring with me to Russia. It's full of names and addresses so utterly *past* and forgotten that I almost feel I am using the notebook of some grandmother of mine. It's an antique and a relic of times bygone.




I am very busy with being myself.

There is just nothing else. Other people are occupied with business, craft, family - their thoughts and energy run past themselves towards some outter object. I used to be like that a very-very long time ago. Nowdays I am so completely idle - nothing can warrant my full interest - all I do and all I want to do is to look within myself.

I don't know why really. It's just the way things developped and now it's an overpowering habit.

This blog is of course a powerful tool of self-gazing.
It's almost a temple I go to pray to whenever I have a moment.
It's like a monastery even and I am the only nun on premises.

Outside of that there is just nothing much at all.
There is no me outside of that.

It's a very reduced life but I know of no other. And more importantly still - I don't know the reason for any other life.




One's inequity never goes without consequence.

As I got closer to active life and more involved with strangers, it turned out that my egotism could be deadly. A person died from coming in contact with me. It was not my intention, it was only a natural effect of my inequity. "The way I am" turned lethal.

Being alive in the world is never without consequence.
It's a burden to all - and sometimes a sin.




This is too much.

Woke up at 4am with a properly raging anxiety, pain and worry throbbing in my heart. Totally out of control, disproportionate. It doesn't come from me or my thoughts - completely unexplainable by anything within my own life - it's something else. Given my father's extreme anger and likely suicidal suffering against me last night (such was his reaction in the past) I attribute this inner storm to his "vibes". The only thing that is entirely beyond me is why I am suddenly catching his stuff to such an extent.

I may be wrong, of course. Maybe it's something or somebody else. However there is just no way this outrageous anxiety could be a result of my own feelings or thought-processes. This mega-worry is being put inside me - either by the premonition of future events or from disturbances in those oriented towards me emotionally.

Maybe my father will kill himself this summer and is telling me in this secret way - and I am actually hearing him. Maybe he will die naturally and the God and Master of our lives and deaths is sending warnings to both of us... I have to guess and poke at random and I might be completely wrong and fabulating.

Wacky me.
I'd rather be called wacky than find out later on that I was right :-/

*

Or maybe this: if it does come from me after all, then I am seriously disturbed and neurotic and maybe even schizophrenic. Because there is no trace of connection I can detect in my mind and this is a plain case of a madman not aware of his madness.

I'd rather be wacky, by far.

*

Ok, maybe it's the sense of approaching departure - every day gets me closer. If it gets worse in the next couple of days then it's my own stuff - and I am indeed mad and unconscious of some serious shit withing myself.




"Forgive those who have sinned against you."

Well, I am trying.
But what if I can't forgive those I've sinned against?
The possibility was deemed too unnatural and was not conscribed.




Familiar shit.

Another crisis at my parents' - and my brother once again reversed his decision and announced he will move to my place after all (that after the ad for sublet appeared in the local paper and people started to call). Reason unstated: he really can't stand my father. Reason stated: I asked a lower rent in the ad than I took from him.

My father has been trying to get back at me by launching his usual "I am the righteous judge" attacks in the middle of my pseudo-quarrels with my brother or my mom. What a bad idea - he just doesn't understand how much hate this provokes - not from me, paradoxically, but from my brother. And how much sorrow this causes to my mom. Yet he thinks that he's in the right and everybody else is just blind and sinful. Very familiar shit unfortunately. He thinks it's about our morals and thus his anger is holy, while it's actually about his place in the family and his utter humiliation (self-provoked).

I've always been at the center of all this shit, as long as I can remember myself even. The reason is that I am made to play a pivotal role - all those conflicting hostile currents are thrown at me and I am supposed to absorb everyone's anger and distribute energy amongst non-communicating family members. Holy shit - I've been playing that part for so long it's become the most familiar thing. I can't be relieved of that ugly duty, it seems. Fortunately I am not the only child and my brother has born some of that burden as well, but he always knew he was essentially free to walk away at any moment and he certainly always used that right. He's unconcerned by the so-called "love of the family" - which means that he can hate freely and ignore whoever he pleases.

Clearly the only escape from all this would be a fully independent life with one's own circle of friends and relationships. Sadly, I never had the guts to break away from this family morass and I drag this chain along like some perennial curse. I am perpetually on family-duty - the walking garbage-bin of everbody's inner shit.

But I bear this burden lightly - I was raised for it.





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